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Stacy Yardley [: 00:00:10

What happens when you're living your dream, but your body starts screaming for help and you're too caught up to listen? In this episode, I dive into the thrilling highs and the shocking lows of what happened after we left New York City. From unexpected romances to a health crisis that changed everything, I'll reveal how a lack of self awareness almost derailed my career and my life. Ready to discover how tuning into yourself can make all the difference? You won't want to miss this episode. Welcome to life as a circus. So let's step into self mastery, where we explore the balancing act of unlocking your inner potential while navigating life's chaos. I'm Stacy Yardley, your host, a former circus showgirl turned transformational life coach. If you're juggling multiple roles or responsibilities and feeling like life is a circus, you are in the right place. Join me each week for captivating tales from my circus days and insights on realizing your dreams.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:01:21

Whether you're an entrepreneur, business owner, or an aspiring leader, this podcast is your guide to self mastery. So grab your top hat and let's step into the greatest show of all, the circus of life. Ready to embark on this transformative journey together? Let's begin. Sometimes life can take an unexpected turn when we least expect it. And thats exactly what happened. As we were approaching our last weekend in New York City, wed soon be pulling out of queens and heading to New Jersey for our next stop on the tour. After spending the last six weeks performing at Madison Square Garden in front of tens of thousands of people. Because we had been at the garden for so long, there were occasions when wed see some staff members within the facilities and interact with them from time to time after the show.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:02:14

One night I had taken a shower and was walking through the arena when I was caught off guard by Robert, an EMT who worked events there at the garden and someone I had spoken to several times over those six weeks, he went out of his way to approach me. Hey, you know, we should go out sometime, I answered back. Yeah, like this weekend, I mean. He said. Yeah. I answered with an inquisitive tone. Yeah, seriously. I replied, maybe when I actually wanted to say yes, but felt a little shy at the time, which wasnt like me.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:02:58

A couple of days later, as I was arriving at the arena before the first show, I saw him and walked by and said hello. Then he said, ill see you at 530. I was puzzled at first and said huh? 530 after the show. Right? I quickly did the math in my head as to how long our show would last and said, yeah, well, ill take you to lunch, dinner, whatever, he said. I replied, yeah, okay. And from that time on, I couldn't wait to see what dinner had in store. After the show, we went downstairs to Beefsteak Charlie's, had dinner, and spent time talking and connecting. He was so interested in me, and he cared about what I had to say.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:03:49

I was enamored by his charm and his attention. He made me laugh, and I was so comfortable around him. I enjoyed myself so much that I was almost late to call time for the next show. I was on cloud nine for the rest of the night as I looked forward to seeing him the next day. The following night, there was a New York Knicks basketball game scheduled, so our last show was scheduled at 230. Robert asked if I wanted to join him for dinner again. So I went to dinner with Robert, his coworker, and his coworker's girlfriend, and then returned to the arena to watch a basketball game while he had to work his shift as the arenas emts on duty. The game got over at 11:00 p.m.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:04:34

and Robert asked me what I wanted to do. I was too nervous to make the trip back to Queens alone that late at night, so I told him I had all night. He then asked me if I wanted to go dancing, and of course I said yes. As we made our way out of Madison Square Garden, along with his coworker and his coworker's girlfriend, we picked up some alcohol and had a few drinks on our way to the dance club. When we arrived at the club, I got in without being carted and the fun began. I felt romanced as the Latin music blasted and Robert, who was puerto rican, led me in the salsa. We would end up dancing for hours, and I had the time of my life. Eventually, we decided to leave.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:05:20

As the early morning hours were upon us, we would end up finding a cheap motel and spending the night together without remorse. The next day I was really bummed after the last show in New York City when I didn't have a chance to say goodbye. However, Robert promised to come see me again in New Jersey, so I had that to look forward to. A couple of days later, he did indeed come to see the show in New Jersey, and then afterwards I took him back to the train. We talked for a long time, and he ended up spending the night with me. He left early the next morning and luckily no one saw him leaving, especially because it was against the rules to have any outsiders on board the train and I could have gotten fined for such a violation. It would turn out that New Jersey would be the last time that I would ever see Robert. But it certainly wouldn't be the last time I would think about him.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:06:19

The days and weeks pressed on and our tour had us continuing through the northeastern tri state area. Overland trips would now be spent in my own room as a social and emotional distance between Tyrone and I grew larger by the day. Then one night, my relationship with Tyrone came to a head. There was a big first of may party to celebrate the first year clowns. And one of the clowns made a spiked punch with fruit in it. Oh, yes, the spiked fruit punch, if you've ever had it. You know, it just so happened that I drank a lot of it. And being the young underage drinker that I was at just 19 years old, I wasn't aware that eating the fruit could and would accelerate the intoxication process.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:07:11

Tyrone was at the party too, and I had a feeling something might go down. Sure enough, he came up to me and asked me why I had stopped coming over to see him. I told him he knew why and it was because of his fiance. Then somehow we started talking about riding on his motorcycle and I said I wanted to ride on it. He said, let's go. So we went back to his room and somehow completely forgot about the motorcycle ride because we started talking because I had consumed so much liquid courage. I said everything I was thinking and feeling. I told him we couldn't or shouldn't see each other anymore and I started to cry.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:07:53

It came down to me admitting I fell for him and that he had his fiance and I was tired of being the second choice. He agreed. After a long time of talking, I started to get sleepy and felt like I needed to pass out. As he started to make the bed, I began to feel very dizzy and realized I was about to throw up. He told me to do it in the sink if I had to, so I did. It was awful. I was very drunk and very embarrassed and felt bad that it ended that way. I journaled my final thoughts on the matter.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:08:33

I will never forget him. He told me not to let him get into my heart, but I did. I really started to feel for him and that's basically why I ended it. I had to. I'll get lonely and I'll miss him, but I know it has to be this way. I sure hope she knows what she's got. I don't know. Life is weird.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:08:59

It seems so unfair sometimes, but really in time I know that everything comes together. We live, learn and move on through everything I grow and hopefully it helps me be a better person because I know someday for me, just like for everyone, everything will eventually come together. Even though I was hurting, I held onto the belief that everything could work out for me one way or another. While I was navigating these personal relationships coming to an end professionally, there were also some developments. While in New York. I had been moved from my assignment of writing Suzy to writing Chita as they felt a smaller, shorter girl would bode better on Susie. This put me smack dab in the center of all the elephants during the cross mount, as Jito was also the base for the entire line of elephants in the finale. In addition, I was being contacted by promoters in San Diego for the show.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:10:06

We were lining up various publicity appearances and interviews in the coming months as we'd be heading to my hometown San Diego in about seven weeks. Rom Gunthers promoter said he had never seen someone get so many requests so early and even though I was being lined up for the tv interviews and personal appearances, I was also battling my body image and feeling fat, out of shape and frustrated. I was beginning to feel obsessed with food and would feel frustrated about my weight, writing in my journal how I felt fat 1 minute and then ten minutes later I would be eating something to comfort myself. I made a vow to myself that I would be my own conscience, that I wouldn't eat unless I was hungry and I would exercise as much as possible and really start to live the way I wanted to for so long. As more calls came in from publicists lining up more interviews in Phoenix, where we were scheduled to be before San Diego, I felt the internal pressure mounting and turned to a strict diet that some of the girls were doing in order to try to lose more weight. I still hadn't hit my official show weight yet that they had set in the beginning of the year, even though I was close at one point I broke out into hives and thought it was due to stress about my weight. Little did I know that it was early warning signs that something was about to go very wrong inside my body. Just three days after the hives appeared, I ended up going to the hospital due to extreme joint pain I was experiencing all over my body, including my hands.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:11:49

At one point I couldn't fight the tears back after coming down from the spanish web. It hurt so bad just to close my hands. I also had severe upper stomach pain. At the hospital they ran blood tests and speculated it was an ulcer and the doctor sent me home with medication and strict diet instructions. Days later, I was still hurting, but not quite as bad. Then we had an overland trip from Springfield, Massachusetts, to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and I ended up getting so sick during that train run. I had a high fever and upper stomach pain continued to bother me. I ended up missing our first show in Philly because I was still pretty weak and tired.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:12:37

The doctor in Springfield thought that the stomach pain was due to the antibiotics leading to an ulcer and told me to still finish the medication. Meanwhile, I was so excited for all the publicity coverage I was going to be getting in San Diego, my hometown, in just four and a half weeks. I wanted to prove to my family and friends and everyone in my hometown what I was capable of and show them that I had made it. Unfortunately, I was about to be thrown a curveball that I never would have expected, and it would change the trajectory of my life. After being confined to the train for three days, I was finally beginning to feel a little better. So when Regan, one of the other showgirls, asked me if I wanted to go to the store with her, I thought some fresh air sounded pretty good, so I accepted the invite. The store was only a couple blocks away, so we walked, but by the time we got there, I was exhausted, barely managing to drag myself around. Leaning on the front of the shopping cart while we shopped.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:13:46

At the checkout, I was telling Reagan a story with my usual animated self when she suddenly interrupted me, saying, Stacey, look at me. Startled, I stopped talking, looked at her, and said, what? Open your eyes, she urged, and when I did, her expression shifted to alarm. Oh, my God, Stacy, your eyes are yellow. I think you're jaundiced. You need to go to the hospital. I had no idea what jaundice meant to, but her reaction made it clear that this was serious. Without wasting any time, I headed to the ER to find out why my eyes were turning yellow. What I learned there didn't just affect my ability to perform with the show, it would impact my entire adult life moving forward.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:14:43

Looking back, that moment wasn't just a health crisis, it was a wake up call. It was the consequences of how I'd been living, being reckless, taking risks, and pushing my body and emotions to their limits without really considering the long term impact. Self mastery isn't just about reaching goals or staying disciplined. It's about being aware of how your daily choices affect your overall well being, physical, emotional, and mental. In my case, the excitement of new relationships and the pressure of maintaining a certain image led me to ignore the signals that my body was sending me. I was so focused on what was happening externally that I neglected to take care of what was happening internally. This experience and many more sense have taught me that self mastery starts with self awareness. I had to learn to listen to my body, to recognize when I was pushing too hard, and to understand that true strength comes from balancing ambition with self care.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:15:55

Let's take a deeper dive now into understanding self awareness and how you can cultivate more of it. So what exactly is self awareness? Its a concept we hear about often, but it can feel a bit abstract at its core. Self awareness is the ability to tune into the body and identify your own emotions, thoughts and physical sensations. Its about recognizing how these internal states influence your behavior and your decisions. In the story I just shared, you might notice that I was caught up in the whirlwind of new romances, the pressures of performing, and the excitement of what was happening all around me. But in all that external noise, I lost touch with what was happening inside of me. My body and emotions were sending me signals, but I wasn't tuned in enough to really hear them. Ignoring self awareness can have real consequences, both physically and emotionally.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:17:03

In my case, the physical toll was clear. I ended up in the hospital, struggling with symptoms that had been building up over time. My body was giving me signs of distress long before I recognized them, but I was too focused on the external to notice. Emotionally, I was feeling conflicted, overwhelmed, and eventually this all caught up with me. It's a reminder that when we don't take time to check in with ourselves, these unaddressed emotions and physical cues don't just go away. They build up and can manifest in ways that force us to stop and pay attention. So how do we cultivate self awareness? How do we ensure that we're not ignoring these important signals? Well, it starts with regular check ins. I want to encourage you to make a habit of asking yourself throughout the day, how am I feeling right now? Physically? How am I feeling emotionally or mentally? Are there areas where you're pushing too hard? Are there emotions you've been ignoring or pushing down? Sometimes just taking a moment to acknowledge what's going on inside can make all the difference.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:18:21

Another way to build self awareness is through mindful practices like journaling or meditation. These tools can help you become more in tune with your inner world, and when it comes to your body, listen to it. Physical cues like fatigue, tension, and unusual symptoms aren't just inconveniences, they're your body's way of communicating with you. For me, I hold a lot of tension and stress in my neck and shoulders and my body lets me know when I've pushed it too far because I get tension headaches that can be debilitating if I'm not careful. You might be wondering, why is self awareness so important for self mastery? Well, because when you're aware of what's going on inside you, you're in a better position to make choices that align with your well being and your long term goals. You've heard me say it before, and I'll continue to say it. Self mastery isn't about achieving perfection. It's about being in harmony with yourself, understanding your needs and making adjustments as you go.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:19:32

I've come to learn that self awareness is the foundation of self mastery. It's what allows us to navigate life's challenges with resilience and grace. And while it might not prevent every curveball life throws our way, it does give us the tools to handle them better when they come. So here's what I want to invite you to do today. Take one small step towards cultivating self awareness. Maybe it's setting aside five minutes to reflect on how you're feeling. Five minutes? Surely spend five minutes scrolling on social media. Switch it out.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:20:13

Take a moment for yourself. Maybe it's paying attention to your body signals and asking yourself if there's something you've been neglecting. To help you get started, here are a couple of reflection questions you can ask yourself. When was the last time you checked in with yourself? And how are you feeling physically and emotionally? When you have your answer, youll then have the power of choice to determine what, if anything, needs to be addressed and what you can do about it. Remember, self awareness. Just like self mastery is a journey, its not about getting it right all the time, but about learning and growing along the way. And as you become more aware of your inner world, you'll find that it's easier to master the challenges that come your way in your outer world. Thank you for joining me on this episode of Life as a circus.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:21:14

So let's step into self mastery. I hope you found inspiration and valuable insights to carry with you on your journey. If you enjoyed today's episode, please share it with a friend and subscribe. Subscribe or follow wherever you're listening. Remember, in the circus of life, the greatest show is the one you create for yourself. Until next time, keep embracing your dreams and stepping into self mastery. Take care and I'll see you next Tuesday.