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Stacy Yardley [: 00:00:09

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where everything you felt was determined by what was happening around you? If so, you're not alone. In today's episode, I'll be sharing with you what happened when my dreams collided with reality in the heart of New York City and I found myself on an emotional roller coaster. Daily, we'll uncover powerful lessons about managing expectations, finding emotional independence, and taking responsibility for our own happiness. Are you ready to dive in? Let's go. Welcome to life as a circus. So let's step into self mastery, where we explore the balancing act of unlocking your inner potential while navigating life's chaos. I'm Stacy Yardley, your host. A former circus showgirl turned transformational life coach.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:01:05

If you're juggling multiple roles or responsibilities and feeling like life is a circus, you are in the right place. Join me each week for captivating tales from my circus days and insights on realizing your dreams. Whether you're an entrepreneur, business owner, or an aspiring leader, this podcast is your guide to self mastery. So grab your top hat, and let's step into the greatest show of all, the circus of life. Ready to embark on this transformative journey together? Let's begin. Growing up in southern California, I had never been very far from home. By the time I turned 18 years old and joined the circus, the furthest I had ventured out of state was Lake Mead in Nevada. Joining the circus was my one way ticket to seeing the country.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:01:58

As we traveled by train from town to town and being a dancer, one of the places I had always wanted to visit was New York. New York, the Big Apple is home to Broadway, Madison Square Garden, and Times Square, all of which were very iconic for a young, aspiring performer like me. So it makes sense that I was over the moon excited when I found out that we would be playing Madison Square Gardens in New York for six weeks. We parked the train in Queens and had to take the subway into midtown Manhattan daily. I was thrilled to get to have the chance to experience New York in a very authentic way every day, right alongside other New Yorkers. I was so excited, I had to journal about it. I wrote on my first subway today. I was kind of worried, kind of scared, and kind of excited all at the same time.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:02:56

Me, Cindy, Tony, Tonya, and Dave went into Manhattan today. We walked a few blocks, and after we got off the subway, before I knew it, I was in Times Square. I couldn't believe it. It actually brought tears to my eyes. It was always a part of my dream to just come to New York City and here I was in New York. New York. It still amazes me because we were performing at Madison Square Garden. We shared the venue with other events, such as professional hockey and basketball teams, and even some concerts, which meant that our schedule was unusual at times, which allowed me to get out and explore the city some more.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:03:41

I went to see several sights while I was there, including the Statue of Liberty, Grand Central Station, the World Trade Center, Twin towers, and, of course, Times Square. I also went to see a couple of Broadway shows and even got to meet John from the new kids on the block backstage. When they performed one night after one of our shows at the garden, one of the most memorable moments was visiting Central park. It was during a full day of a publicity event for Gunther Gebel-Williams Day, where the city honored him with a big party, and we literally rode our elephants through Central park. It was absolutely incredible. We were transported like rock stars via limousine to and from Central park, and upon arrival, we did a couple of interviews before mounting our elephants. I was assigned to Mary that day because her normal rider was injured. As we rode through the park in a pachyderm caravan, I was in awe.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:04:44

Not only that, I was in Central Park, a place that I had dreamt about visiting for so long, but I was also on top of an elephant walking through Central park. But just as I was enjoying the ride, things got pretty intense pretty quick. Because this was a big event organized by the city, they had invited a couple of schools to bring children out for the celebration in the middle of a big open grass area where we were headed with the elephants, they had set up several long banquet tables covered with large watermelons, carrots, and heads of iceberg lettuce for the elephants. And in front of them were bleachers where about 100 or more children sat cheering in excitement as they saw Gunther leading the elephants as we emerged through the trees. In fact, they were so excited that they began to chant, Gunther. Gunther. Gunther. While clapping their hands and stomping their feet on the bleachers.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:05:50

It was then that the elephants began to react as they, too, started to get excited by the noise and the energy. Several of the elephants started to growl and rumble as others flapped their ears and let out some chirps. It was then that the alert started to go down the line of the animal handlers and Roger, the handler that was walking next to me. And Mary, who had no front teeth and a raspy voice, looked up at me and said, hold on, girlie, they might charge immediately. My eyes widened and I grabbed Mary's harness and thought, oh my God, please, no. Thankfully, the children stopped chanting and the stomping and the elephants did not charge through that open area of grass and straight towards the children, but instead arrived at the table safely with the help of the handlers and proceeded to feast on the food before them. While. While the children watched in awe and wonder, New York definitely made an impression on me in more ways than one.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:07:00

While I was experiencing the fun and excitement in my role as a showgirl and being in the Big Apple, I was also still navigating their relationship entanglement with Tyrone Taylor. We had had the talk about whether or not we should be seeing each other because of his engagement. And this of course brought on more doubt and anxiety for me as I was starting to see a new pattern emerge and the truth that this wasn't going to end well for me. There were also mumblings of rumors beginning to surface and I told myself to be careful or I could really mess things up. Then one night I purchased tickets to the Broadway show cats and invited Tyrone to go with me. And while it was a fun evening, my expectations got the best of me and I could sense that something was amiss. After the show, we returned to the train and I was frustrated. I still cared about him and I turned to journaling to process it all as my emotions were all over the place.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:08:08

Sometimes I wonder, what's the frickin point of doing anything for anyone. I don't know. Maybe I just expect too much out of him. Tyrone, I mean, I took him to see cats tonight and it's obvious to me now that he never goes out and it shows. All we did was go to the play and he left me standing in the lobby of the theater for about 15 or 20 minutes, in which in that time I think he may have called his fiance. Anyway, we watched the play and I came home. No dinner, no offer of coffee, no offer of, will you come over? Just, hey, thanks. I don't know, I'm glad I could be the one to take him, but for some reason it's like he wanted me to just cater to him.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:08:56

No, sorry, I don't do that. I don't know, I guess I expect a little bit more than, oh, thanks. No kiss or nothing. He just thanked me and I guess I just expected too much. Who knows? But I think he expected to have me come over knocking on his door tonight. Nope, sorry. Maybe I'm just too tired right now of having to make all the effort in this relationship or whatever we have or I'm just irritated? Who knows? I became more and more emotional with each passing day. I didn't see Tyrone all day and I knocked on his door twice today.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:09:42

Why? I don't know, but I did. I'm just having very strange feelings lately. 1 minute I'm okay and the next I’m angry. Fuck, who knows. This emotional rollercoaster went on for several more days as I began to pick up on some signals that things were starting to shift between us. It was at that point that the inner conflict began to get stronger as I continued to vacillate between letting go and holding on. I'm sitting here wondering if I should go see Tyrone or not. I know what will happen if I do.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:10:22

I go and I sit for a while and maybe watch a little tv or a movie. Then he'll grab me and kiss me and one thing will lead to another and we'll end up making love. Or things will go the opposite way. Well, I can ask him how he feels and ask him what he would do if I were pregnant or not. Of course. At least I don't think so. I feel like it sometimes though and I have thought about it, what would happen and all. But I try not to.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:10:54

Lately I've had some really difficult feelings. Happy, then sad and tired. I feel very fat and ugly. So maybe it's just PM's. I hope so. Turns out I did end up going to his room that night and once again journaled about it the next day. About last night. Tyrone and I did end up doing exactly what I said would happen.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:11:23

And I went over there and sat for a while, watched a movie. And then before the end of it Tyrone had taken me on the bed and we were kissing and one thing led to another and we made love and fell asleep. I didn't ask him anything or express any feelings. I don't know where all this is going. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time. The weeks continued to pass by while in New York and I slowly started pulling away as my heart hurt and I knew there was no winning for me in this situation. And he noticed it too. He even got upset one night when he said that he noticed me walking towards him in the arena only to pass him by and go talk to someone else.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:12:08

He later invited me over to his place but I didn't go because I just didn't feel like it. Then during the last weekend we were in New York City I would make a careless decision involving another man. That would change not just my relationship with Tyrone, but also put me on a trajectory that almost cost me my life. Reflecting on my time in New York and my tumultuous relationship with Tyrone, I've come to realize the importance of self mastery in managing our emotional landscapes. Let's take some time now to discuss this in further detail so that you can step into self mastery even when you find yourself deep in your own emotions. When it came to my relationship with Tyrone, there were many moments where the expectations clashed with reality, leading to frustration and disappointment. So often, my emotions were heavily influenced by Tyrone's actions, highlighting a dependence I had on external validation for my own happiness. As we delve deeper into these themes, we'll uncover valuable lessons on how to manage our expectations, cultivate emotional independence, and ultimately take responsibility, full responsibility, that is, for our own happiness and well being.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:13:38

Let's start by looking at the dangers of having expectations. Funny enough, my second husband would share a phrase with me when we began dating that has stuck with me ever since. He said that expectations are premeditated resentment. And he was right. Managing expectations is crucial in any relationship. Self mastery means unfolding and aligning your expectations with reality so as to avoid unnecessary emotional turmoil. When we enter into any relationship, especially romantic ones, it's natural to have hopes and dreams about how things will unfold. However, these expectations can often lead us down a path of frustration and disappointment, especially when they aren't met.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:14:28

In my case, I had high hopes for a memorable evening with Tyrone, expecting it to be a romantic and fulfilling experience. And when reality didn't match my expectations, it left me feeling let down and emotionally drained. Self mastery involves recognizing the difference between our ideal visions and the actual experiences that we encounter. It's about setting realistic expectations based on the present moment and understanding that people have their own limitations and circumstances. By managing our own expectations, we can reduce the emotional highs and lows and approach relationships with a more balanced and grounded perspective. Now, don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean lowering our standards, but rather it's about being mindful of our desires and how they align with reality, allowing us to navigate our relationships with greater ease and emotional stability. Have you ever found yourself disappointed because of your expectations and how they didn't align with reality? How did you manage those feelings and what did you learn from the experience? Remember, when we grow through what we go through, nothing is wasted. Self mastery also requires emotional independence, and for someone who has patterns of codependency, this can be a tough one.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:15:59

Emotional dependence is about finding stability within yourself and being able to manage your emotions, rather than relying on external validation or affection, or expecting others to manage your emotions for you. In my relationship with Tyrone, I often found myself on an emotional rollercoaster, with my feelings swinging wildly from happiness to anger. Anger based on his actions and his responses. And he wasn't the only one. This pattern continued throughout my life until I started to understand what was going on. When Tyrone showed me affection, I felt elated and validated, but when he was distant and dismissive, my mood would plummet, leaving me frustrated and unworthy. This dependence on external validation for my emotional wellbeing created a volatile and unstable inner world. Self mastery involves cultivating emotional independence.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:17:03

This is where our sense of self worth and happiness is not contingent on others actions or their approval. It means finding a stable and secure foundation within ourselves, built on self respect, self love, and self awareness. By doing so, we become less susceptible to the emotional highs and lows that are driven by external circumstances. This inner stability allows us to engage in relationships from a place of strength and authenticity rather than neediness and insecurity. It empowers us to maintain our emotional balance and we make decisions that are in our best interest, fostering healthier and more fulfilling connections with others. Think about a time when your emotions were heavily influenced by someone else's actions. It may have been this morning. What steps did you take to find stability within yourself, and how has that helped you in your journey towards self mastery? Or are you still looking to others to manage your emotions? Lastly, I'd like to note that self mastery is about taking full responsibility for your own happiness.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:18:24

So often it can be so easy to blame others, our circumstances, or even our upbringing as a way of skirting responsibility. But we must remember that it's important when it comes to finding joy and fulfillment within, rather than seeking it solely from others. In my interactions with Tyrone, there were moments when I felt neglected and unappreciated, particularly when my efforts and gestures were not reciprocated. This dependency on his acknowledgement and affection to feel happy revealed a significant vulnerability. My happiness was largely influenced by his actions and responses. When he didnt meet my expectations or showed appreciation, it left me feeling disappointed and unworthy. While id like to say again, this was the only relationship where this was the case. Unfortunately, it took me many years to recognize that my happiness is my responsibility.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:19:29

Self mastery involves understanding that true happiness and fulfillment come from within. And I know you've heard this before, but I'm going to say it again. It's about recognizing that relying on others for our emotional well being places our joy in someone else's hands, making it unstable and unpredictable. Taking full responsibility for our own happiness means nurturing our own interests, our passions, and our self care practices that bring us joy and satisfaction independently of others actions. I also touched on this last week. By finding fulfillment within ourselves, we begin to be less dependent on external validation and more resilient in the face of disappointments. This inner joy and contentment creates a solid foundation that enhances our relationships, allowing us to interact from a place of abundance rather than neediness. It empowers us to appreciate the positive aspects of our relationships without being devastated by the negatives, leading to healthier and more balanced connections.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:20:43

I want to invite you to take a moment to reflect on a relationship or a situation where you relied on someone else, your happiness. What might be different if you chose to shift your focus to finding joy and fulfillment from within, instead of looking to others when it comes to generating feelings of joy, fulfillment, or even your own self worth? As we wrap up this episode, it's clear that self mastery is a journey often marked by moments of reflection and learning from our past experiences. My relationship with Tyrone highlighted areas where I fell short, particularly in managing my expectations, seeking external validation, and depending on someone else for my happiness. But every misstep and heartache also brought valuable lessons. Through these experiences, I've come to understand the importance of aligning my expectations with reality, finding emotional stability within myself, and taking responsibility for my own joy and fulfillment. In what ways have you recognized areas of growth and self awareness in your own life? How do you continuously work on improving yourself and what strategies might have been most effective for you? If this is an area in which you need some assistance, I'm currently accepting one on one clients at the time of this recording. If you're interested in learning more, please reach out to me via the email listed in the show notes and I can offer you some insight into what this might look like for you. As I mentioned last week, self mastery isn't about perfection.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:22:32

It's about growth and self awareness. It's about recognizing where we've stumbled, learning from those moments, using that knowledge to build a stronger, more resilient self. Remember, every challenge and setback is an opportunity to learn and grow. Stay tuned for our next episode next week, where I'll share more about how one decision can change everything and what happened when I made a decision that ended up putting me in the hospital. Thank you for joining me on this episode of Life is a circus, so let's step into self mastery. I hope you found inspiration and valuable insights to carry with you on your journey. If you enjoyed today's episode, please share it with a friend and subscribe or follow wherever you're listening. Remember, in the circus of Life, the greatest show is the one you create for yourself.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:23:32

Until next time, keep embracing your dreams and stepping into self mastery. Take care and I'll see you next Tuesday.