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Stacy Yardley [: 00:00:10

Have you ever made a choice in the heat of the moment only to find yourself paying the price for years? What if that one decision changed the entire trajectory of your life? Today, I'm sharing a story that has been buried in shame for decades, how a single moment of carelessness led to a diagnosis that haunted me for years, but more importantly, how that experience became a turning point in my journey towards self mastery. This is a conversation about facing our darkest moments, letting go of shame, and reclaiming our power. Are you ready? Let's dive in. Welcome to life as a circus. So let's step into self mastery, where we explore the balancing act of unlocking your inner potential while navigating life's chaos. I'm Stacy Yardley, your host, a former circus showgirl turned transformational life coach. If you're juggling multiple roles or responsibilities and feeling like life is a circus, you are in the right place. Join me each week for captivating tales from my circus days and insights on realizing your dreams.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:01:24

Whether you're an entrepreneur, business owner, or an aspiring leader, this podcast is your guide to self mastery. So grab your top hat and let's step into the greatest show of all, the circus of life. Ready to embark on this transformative journey together? Let's begin. What started as a quick trip to the grocery store soon unraveled into a life altering detour to the emergency room. For weeks, my body had been sending me signals that I ignored, chalking up my fatigue and discomfort to the demands of circus life. But now, lying in a hospital bed with yellowing eyes and an uneasy feeling in my gut, I couldn't ignore it any longer. Fear gripped me as I realized that something was seriously wrong. I reached for my journal, trying to make sense of the whirlwind around me.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:02:23

Well, I never thought it would lead to this. I'm in the hospital. I've been admitted for jaundice, and they're pretty sure I have hepatitis. The reason I say pretty sure is because we're still waiting for the test results. I've been here since 02:30 p.m. yesterday after Regan noticed my eyes were yellow and told me I needed to go to the hospital. I was concerned because I've been fairly sick for the last couple of weeks. So here I am.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:02:55

After many blood tests, needle pokes, and listening to other patients' problems, my first time in the hospital is turning out rather interesting. A lot goes through your mind here when you've got nothing to do all day but sit and veg out. Now I know what they mean when people criticize hospital food. It's terrible. If it was up to me, I'd live on peanut butter and jelly every day. Regan and father Jack came to see me today. She brought me my Walkman and some reading material and, of course, clean underwear. Thank God.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:03:31

The Walkman and stuff really have helped the evening go by a lot faster. Plus, I've talked to some friends and a lot of family over the phone, so that's helped. The doctor told me something pretty scary tonight. He said that I'm going to be out for two weeks. Figure that much, at least. But for this to be completely healed, he said it could take up to four to six weeks. That cannot happen. I have to be well for San Diego.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:04:00

I don't care about the publicity or anything. I just want to play in my hometown. Father Jack told me patience. And I think that he means I need to have a lot of patience and I need a lot of rest. And I know with that and a lot of praying and God's help, I should be all right. I never in a million years would have guessed I'd be in the hospital in Philadelphia, have hepatitis and be in the circus. What a combination. I just really, really want to keep a positive head about this whole bit.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:04:34

I'm just hoping I can and it won't get too rough. Thousands of miles from home, lying in the hospital bed for the first time in my life, I felt my dreams slipping away. All I could think about was San Diego, where I was supposed to perform in front of everyone I knew, family, friends and old classmates. Several news outlets and reporters had already lined up a lot of publicity appearances for me. PM magazine, a popular tv show, even had lined up an interview in Phoenix, ready to film a big story on me that would air right when the circus hit my hometown. Now it all hung in the balance, and my body was betraying me in ways I never imagined. My condition was far more severe than I had realized. The jaundice was just beginning.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:05:28

My liver was inflamed, my urine had turned dark brown, and the doctor warned me that if I had waited any longer, I could have been facing liver failure or even a transplant. The gravity of it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was told to swear off alcohol for life, a heavy sentence for someone whose career was all about living on the edge. As the days dragged on, the boredom and frustration mounted. I documented my thoughts, hoping to find some semblance of control in the chaos. Well, I've heard some news. The doctor came in and told me that he got my liver tests back and the count was surprisingly high. He still doesn't know what type of hepatitis I have, but they also found that the wall of my gallbladder was thicken.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:06:23

I asked how long he thought it might be before I can work again. He said several weeks. I asked what he meant by several weeks. Like four or what? Yes, he said four or so, but several weeks. Well, of course. That seriously bummed me out. I really hope it's not so serious that I will be out for San Diego. I probably won't even bother going back at all.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:06:49

If I don't get to perform in San Diego. I'm going to be so incredibly bummed out and frustrated. If that happens, I don't know what I'll do. I mean, the past six months I worked so hard for this. I put my pride on the line in Venice and fought so fucking hard for my job. And now I have to get sick just before I get to go home, and I've got all this publicity lined up. It's just so stupid. I know I really shouldn't think negatively, and I really need to rest and keep my spirits up.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:07:23

It's going to be hard. I just really want to be okay for San Diego. I've got to pray a lot and sleep a lot. I'm going to go. I need to relax a little. My best friend Lisa told me that it's proven that the healthier and happier environment you're in, the faster one heals. I guess she just got done studying that in psychology. My emotions swung wildly between hope and despair.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:07:53

The hospital felt like a prison, especially since I didn't feel sick, just trapped. I missed the rush of the circus, the adrenaline, the movement, the laughter. My only solace came from small moments of connection, like visiting another patient down the hall who I befriended, or the unexpected phone call from my clown friend Matt. He told me that he was in the ICU upstairs after a friendly game of softball turned sour when he collided with the first baseman, rupturing his spleen. I genuinely thought he was playing a prank on me until he told me he was serious. We laughed about it, but the reality was sobering. Life could change in an instant. After ten long days, I was finally released and sent home to San Diego to recover.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:08:48

The show was just over four weeks away, and I had to cancel several publicity appearances, but I knew that healing was my only focus. The doctors were clear. Four to six weeks of rest. That meant the San Diego performance was on the knife's edge since it was scheduled to happen in just over four weeks. My dream of proving I had made it to the big show now depended on how quickly my body could recover. Would I be strong enough in time to step into the spotlight in my hometown? Only time would tell. Before we go any further and talk about how this plays into self mastery, I'd like to take a moment to share some deeply personal reflections regarding this time in my life. I was living a fast paced life, full of excitement and adventure, but also marked by a deep sense of searching.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:09:50

I was searching for love, for validation, for something to fill a void I couldn't quite name. In those days, I was reckless with my heart and my body. I sought connection in all the wrong places, mistaking physical intimacy for the kind of love and acceptance I truly needed. But then, in what seemed like a cruel twist of fate, I found myself lying in a hospital bed, diagnosed with hepatitis. The doctors suspected that I had contracted it from unprotected sex. Suddenly, the reality of my choices hit me like a ton of bricks. The carefree, invincible feeling that had driven so many of my decisions was replaced by fear, regret, and a deep, suffocating shame. For years, that shame silenced me and caused me to feel less than in so many ways.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:10:49

It was incredibly difficult to talk about my diagnosis, even with those closest to me. I felt dirty, damaged, and utterly alone. In my experience, the shame was so powerful that it overshadowed every other aspect of my life. I had to be careful, vigilant, even about taking care of my liver, a constant reminder of the price I had paid for my choices. But the consequences didn't end there. Decades later, I found myself facing an autoimmune disease. And while I can't prove it, I suspect that my liver, already compromised by hepatitis, may have played a role in this new battle. The struggle to maintain my health became an ongoing challenge, one that has deeply affected the trajectory of my life.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:11:43

In the midst of reflecting upon all of this, I began to realize that self mastery isn't just about discipline or achieving goals. It's about facing the parts of ourselves that we'd rather ignore, the parts that carry shame, regret, and pain. It's about acknowledging the consequences of our actions, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. For years, I allowed that shame to control me, to keep me silent, to prevent me from truly healing. But self mastery demanded that I confront it head on. It required me to look in the mirror and accept that, yes, I had made mistakes, big ones. But it also requires me to forgive myself, to let go of the shame, and to start treating my body and soul with the love and respect they deserve. Now, I know this story might hit home for some of you.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:12:43

Maybe you've faced similar challenges, or perhaps you're struggling with your own regrets and the consequences of past choices. Trust me, I understand. This isn't the only part of my life where I made poor choices and had to suffer some serious consequences that I regret. But what I want you to know is that there is a way forward in which you don't have to suffer in the shadows of shame. I'd like to share with you next, some key lessons that I've learned on my journey to self mastery, lessons that have helped me move from a place of shame and regret to one of healing and growth. These are practices that I've come to realize are essential not just for healing, but for truly thriving in life. First, let's talk about embracing radical self awareness. I discussed this topic in last week's episode, but I can never stress enough how important self awareness truly is when it comes to self mastery.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:13:49

Self awareness isn't just about knowing what you want or how you feel in the moment. It's about digging deeper, understanding who you are at your core, recognizing the patterns that shape your life, and becoming conscious of the motivations behind your actions. When we live on autopilot, driven by unresolved pain or unchecked desires, we often make choices that don't align with our true values. But radical self awareness allows us to pause, reflect and make conscious decisions that support our well being and growth. So how do you start? It begins with regular reflection. Take time to think about your actions and how they impact your life. As I've mentioned before, journaling can be a powerful tool for this. Or simply just take a few moments to yourself, go for a walk and ask, why did I make that choice? What am I truly seeking? Does this align with the person I want to become? The more you practice this, the more aligned your choices will be with your higher self.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:15:05

Next, I want to highlight the importance of cultivating self compassion. So often, we are our harshest critics, holding ourselves to impossible standards and punishing ourselves for our mistakes long after they've passed. This only deepens the wounds we carry. Self compassion is essential for healing and moving forward. It's about treating yourself with some kindness, understanding and forgiveness that you'd offer a close friend. When you catch yourself being overly critical, pause and ask, would I say this to a friend? Or better yet, would I say this to someone I love? If the answer is no, take a step back. Reframe your thoughts with gentleness, remember, everyone makes mistakes, and growth comes from learning, not from self punishment. Self compassion isn't about letting yourself off the hook.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:16:06

It's about recognizing that you're human and worthy of love, even when you fall short. Another crucial aspect of self mastery is is to prioritize your health as a form of self respect. Your health, both physical and mental, is the foundation of your life. Without it, everything else crumbles. Prioritizing your health means making choices that support your wellbeing, even when it's difficult. As I've learned firsthand, neglecting your health can have long term consequences that affect every area of your life. Taking care of your body is not just about avoiding illness. It's about respecting yourself enough to give your body what it needs to thrive.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:17:00

So how do you do this? Start by implementing daily habits that support your health. Regular exercise or movement, balanced nutrition and adequate sleep are all non-negotiables. Pay attention to your body's signals. If something feels off, address it early. Remember, taking care of your health is an act of self love, and it's crucial for achieving true self mastery. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, is the need to forgive yourself and let go of shame. Forgiveness is about releasing the anger, regret and shame you hold against yourself for past mistakes. Holding on to shame keeps you trapped in the past and unable to move forward.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:17:57

And forgiveness isn't about condoning your past actions, it's about freeing yourself from the weight of regret so that you can step into a brighter future. Begin by acknowledging the mistakes you've made, but do so without judgment. Understand that you were doing the best you could with what you knew at the time. Consider writing a letter of forgiveness to yourself. In it, express compassion and a commitment to learn from the past rather than be defined by it. Forgiveness is a powerful act of self care and a crucial step in the path to self mastery. So if you're carrying shame or regret, I want to encourage you today to start the process of letting it go. It won't happen overnight, but every step you take towards forgiveness and self care is a step toward true self mastery.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:18:56

And remember, your body is your most valuable tool in this journey. Treat it with care and the respect it deserves, because when your body is well, your spirit can truly soar. Remember, the journey to self mastery is a lifelong one, and it starts with a decision to love and care for yourself in every possible way. As we wrap up today's episode, I want to leave you with a challenge. Take a moment today or this week to reflect on your own journey. Where have you been holding on to shame, regret, or neglecting your health. What's one small step you can take right now to embrace self awareness, practice self compassion, and prioritize your health and well being? Start with one action today. No matter how small, commit to showing up for yourself every single day.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:19:57

I promise your future self will. Thank you. Thank you for joining me on this episode of Life as a circus. So let's step into self mastery. I hope you found inspiration and valuable insights to carry with you on your journey. If you enjoyed today's episode, please share it with a friend and subscribe or for follow wherever you're listening. Remember, in the circus of life, the greatest show is the one you create for yourself. Until next time, keep embracing your dreams and stepping into self mastery.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:20:31

Take care and I'll see you next Tuesday.