We feel it is important to make our podcast transcripts available for accessibility. We use quality artificial intelligence tools to make it possible for us to provide this resource to our audience. We do have human eyes reviewing this, but they will rarely be 100% accurate. We appreciate your patience with the occasional errors you will find in our transcriptions. If you find an error in our transcription, or if you would like to use a quote, or verify what was said, please feel free to reach out to us at lifeisacircuspodcast@gmail.com

Stacy Yardley [: 00:00:09

Have you ever caught yourself in a relationship that seemed perfect, but left you questioning everything? In this episode, I'm diving into a deeply personal story about my tumultuous relationship with Tyrone Taylor. It was one filled with passion, secrets, and a painful journey of self discovery. How did I end up ignoring my own red flags and falling into a pattern of self sabotage? Stay tuned as we unravel the twists and turns of this story and uncover powerful lessons on self mastery and growth. Trust me, you don't want to miss this. Welcome to life as a circus. So let's step into self mastery, where we explore the balancing act of unlocking your inner potential while navigating life's chaos. I'm Stacy Yardley, your host. A former circus showgirl turned transformational life coach.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:01:07

If you're juggling multiple roles or responsibilities and feeling like life is a circus, you are in the right place. Join me each week for captivating tales from my circus days and insights on realizing your dreams. Whether you're an entrepreneur, business owner, or an aspiring leader, this podcast is your guide to self mastery. So grab your top hat and let's step into the greatest show of all, the circus of life. Ready to embark on this transformative journey together? Let's begin. It was the morning following a surprising twist in my relationship with Tyrone Taylor and where I had made my way to his room in a drunken stumble the night before and into his bed. I woke up with a raging hangover and was a bit unsure of what would happen next. Tyrone and I had built a friendship and I was his cat sitter.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:02:06

But now we had crossed a line and there was no going back. I wondered, would it continue? I wasn't sure until a couple of days later when I did indeed end up in his room again and later journaled about what was unfolding. As the passion between us continued to ignite and I was beginning to feel a deeper connection. I stayed with Tyrone last night. I feel like I was needed and wanted. Sometimes I feel like I could make it on my own. But then something happens and I know I need company. I need to be held.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:02:46

Tyrone told me that he'll take care of me and that I'm safe with him and that comforts me so much. It feels so good to know someone cares. It's hard to explain. He explained to me that he feels a little worried that the other night was maybe a mistake, that he took advantage of me or something. He had a good point. I mean, even though I had gone over there on my own accord, I was clearly not in a state to be making clear, wise decisions. I told him that I didn't feel taken advantage of as I clearly made the decision to go over there on my own accord and not to feel bad about it. As I spent more time with him, my feelings for Tyrone continued to grow.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:03:34

I continued to turn to my journal to process everything I was feeling as things continued to progress. Last night was so nice. I spent it with Tyrone again. I can't begin to explain what I'm really feeling about him because I'm not really sure exactly. I mean, I find myself happy and I find myself thinking about him, but I also find myself wondering what and where all this will lead. When I'm with him, I feel comfortable. When I'm sleeping in his arms, I feel like nothing can harm me. Nothing.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:04:10

And tonight I took every chance I got to see if he was home yet. Finally I was walking home from coming back, from not getting in a bar because I was too young and I noticed he was home. I went in and we talked for a few. I told him how I couldn't get in and he hugged me and said, yeah, you're just a pup. A young pup, but a cute one. It just warmed me up inside. I know it's weird. He also told me that I felt great last night just to sleep so close, it was so comfortable.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:04:44

He said, that makes me feel so good. Really. No one knows or has any idea. One of the other dancers kind of hinted around today about it, but I kind of dodged the subject. I don't think anyone needs to know. At work we just act like friends, so that's good. As the days and weeks passed, Tyrone and I continued to see each other. I recall in my journal every few days how I would spend the night with him and we'd talk for hours, sharing intimate parts of our lives and even our dreams.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:05:19

Here I was again in a situation where the man I was involved with also had another love interest. And there was another big age gap. I was 19 and he was 29. He had lived a lot more life than me and would tell me stories of his childhood as well as stories from his experience on the show. He even told me that he had been involved with another dancer a few years prior and it didn't end well. He vowed to himself to never date anyone on the show again. But when I came along, he said something happened, something changed all that. He expressed how he too was feeling the uncontrollable pull between us and just couldn't resist pursuing it.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:06:03

From the beginning of our encounters together. He expressed that he wanted to be very upfront about being involved with another woman that resided in Texas who also had two kids that weren't his. He cared for her and even said he loved her. But he said he also cared about me and didn't want to see me get hurt. He was upfront in his communication, never leading me on. And while my head was telling me I could handle it and it wasn't a problem, my heart had other intentions. I was falling for him and falling hard. I even told myself that part of loving people is getting hurt and I was willing to take the risk because it felt so good to be with him.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:06:47

I knew it wasn't wise to get involved with a man who was already taken. And yet I continued to seek refuge in his arms, telling myself the lie that would be totally okay and that maybe, just maybe, he might choose me over her. The flames of passion continued to be fanned as the days and weeks rolled by. And to the best of our knowledge, it was kept a secret and that's the way we wanted it to be. Even though it was pretty obvious as I would spend many nights away from my own room, at times it wasn't openly talked about. There were a few hints along the way from a select few people that we were seeing each other, but I would always deny it and acted as if it was all speculation. We knew that would not be looked upon favorably and we'd be the topic of gossip. So we continued to fly under the radar as much as possible.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:07:43

Over the next couple of months, we spent more and more time together and our feelings for each other continued to grow. As our national tour headed towards Uniondale, New York, and then to New York City, where we would play Madison Square Gardens in midtown Manhattan for six full weeks. Tyrone dropped a bomb on me. It was then that things between us began to get sticky. Tyrone informed me that the woman he was technically engaged to was scheduled to come for a visit for about four days. Upon telling me, he showed concern for how I would react to the entire situation and praised me for being cool about it and encouraged me to stay that way and not wig out, as he put it. And while I did my best to maintain my cool on the outside, not causing any scenes or drama, I was in turmoil internally. I knew he cared about me based on what he was telling me and how he would act towards me, and I cared a lot about him while in New York.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:08:45

He even took me out one night on his motorcycle and gave me a tour of his hometown, his elementary school middle school and high school and even his old neighborhood, all the while knowing that the following day his fiance was going to arrive for a short visit. Sure enough, she did. And it was incredibly difficult for me that week as I found myself vacillating between feelings of jealousy, loneliness and frustration as I did my best to stay cool about the whole thing. At one point, Tyrone even approached me backstage and reiterated how grateful he was that I was being cool about it and that the situation was difficult for him, too. Nevertheless, the fact that I had put myself in this sort of predicament again was torture. I journaled about how frustrated I was. I don't know why the hell I continued to do this to myself. Look at the situation I put myself in once again, from just about the beginning, Ty told me about his girlfriend.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:09:50

When he told me, something inside me told me to just stop whatever we had right there and forget about him. But for some reason, something else with a stronger pull said, no, don't stop. It's too good. It's too special. Just go day by day and don't worry, you can handle just about anything. Well, I thought I could handle anything, but what am I going to do when I see them? I already went through this once this year. Do I really have to go through it again? I had awareness, but it wasn't enough. I convinced myself I could handle being the other woman, but the truth was, it was painful and at the end of the day, it was self inflicted pain.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:10:36

The week passed and we took a short overnight trip into Queens, New York, where we would park our train for six weeks while we played the Madison Square garden. During that time, I stayed in his room alone with this cat, then went to visit him once we got settled in. Tyrone's fiance had now left and it only took about 15 minutes of being alone until we gave in to our fleshly desires and we picked up right where we left off within an incredible night of passion that left us feeling both exhilarated and contemplative. There was a moment when I almost let the words I love you slip out of my mouth. But I caught myself and thought, this can't be happening. Then a few days later, things started taking another turn. I had spent the day out with friends exploring the city and went to see him and a conversation was had that I later journaled about. We talked a lot about should we or shouldn't we be doing what we do.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:11:41

My eyes filled with emotion. A couple of times he told me again how he doesn't want to hurt me. I know he doesn't. But I also know it's too late and that either way I have a feeling I'm going to get hurt. He told me I'm pretty smart for 19, and I said yeah, pretty dumb too. Anyway, I was so confused I just came home, walked into my room and let it out. I cried for a while and it felt good to just let it all out. Then I slowly fell asleep.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:12:15

When I woke up today, I felt a little better. I know that I just need to relax and take one day at a time and just not worry and think so much. He said that she's coming again in June. I'm not sure sometimes if I really want to get more attached between now and June, but I know there's no way I can just walk away. You know? I just can't. I don't know if I'd be truly happy. Who knows? Only time would tell. I'll admit, looking through my journal and sharing this story brought up a lot more for me than I anticipated this week.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:12:59

As I reflected on my time with Tyrone, it's clear that reconciling our past is a crucial part of personal growth. To be totally transparent, I had to move through various emotions this week that needed to be processed. After all these years, a lifetime of experience sits between who I was then and who I am now, and the lessons I've learned since. That would have served me well back then. Nevertheless, I'm able to have a lot of compassion for myself and a little sadness as I reflect back on the self inflicted pain I caused myself. You'll come to learn in the next episode what happens next, but for now, what is important to know is that when we don't feel a deep sense of self worth and self love, we can pay a high price for it, and the cost is typically our inner peace. This is why I tell my story now, so that it may help you reconcile your own past as well and come to love and accept even your younger self who didn't know then what you know now. I have forgiven myself and those who've hurt me, and now it's time to alchemize that pain into purpose.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:14:15

Looking back at our experiences allows us to understand the patterns and decisions that have shaped our lives. By examining my relationship with Tyrone, I've uncovered valuable lessons about self mastery and personal development, and I'd like to share some of those with you now. So let's dive into just a few key themes from this story and explore how they relate to overcoming self sabotage and achieving true self mastery. The first is ignoring intuition and inner wisdom. I had a sense that getting involved with Tyrone wasn't wise, yet I chose to override that inner voice and continued plowing forward in spite of it. Self mastery involves listening to and trusting your intuition. Ignoring it often leads to situations that compromise your well being, and the opposite is true as well. When we listen to our intuition and inner guidance, we can put ourselves on a different path where we can avoid trouble that would have come otherwise.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:15:17

I think what often gets in the way of acting on our intuition is self trust. And when it comes to building our own trust with ourselves and our intuition, it is by acting on it that we are able to strengthen our connection to it. This allows us to reap the positive consequences that come from taking action versus negative ones that often ensue when we dont. How comfortable are you entrusting your own intuition, and do you respond to it or override it? Remember that intuition is like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it will become. So I want to encourage you to lean into your intuition because it truly is a built in superpower that we all have and it can support you in all of your endeavors, both personally and professionally. If you don't know how to listen, just start by practicing small and taking small actions based on what it's telling you. Asking yourself a question, then leaning in to hear the answer from within the as you hear it, it's a matter of responding to it instead of allowing your head to override and negate it, because so often it will in an effort to keep you comfortable and trusting someone, including yourself, sometimes can be vulnerable.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:16:35

When I have clients who are leaning in to trust their intuition, I invite them to start small, like asking yourself which way you should go when looking for a parking spot, rather than just randomly circling around or offering up an entire day to explore and go wherever your intuition leads you. You can also act on it when you have an intuitive impulse, like to call someone you haven't spoken to in a while without having a reason other than my intuition told me to and see what happens. Life can actually become a lot more fun the more you lean into trusting yourself and your intuition. Seeking external validation is another theme that showed up here. It was clear that I felt cared for and wanted by Tyrone, and that provided a sense of comfort and validation. I had recently suffered through a prior self inflicted heartbreak, and Tyrone's attention and infection helped me feel like I was worth wanting. Low self worth will have you seeking the love and validation outside of yourself and putting your value in someone else's perception of you above your own. It can also make you super susceptible to another person's attention and admiration, causing you to lose sight of the reality that they may not be the best fit for you.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:17:56

Not a good thing. Let's just say that true self mastery involves finding validation from within rather than relying on external sources, which can then lead to dependency and heartbreak again. Tyrone's validation was so important to me because I felt rejected and used by the prior affair I had. I also didn't have a strong sense of self esteem. I was insecure about my looks, my weight, and myself as a whole. I was only 19 years old. It took me a long time to learn this lesson of seeking validation from within and many more heartbreaks before I would truly understand the problem wasn't just in my choices of men, but more so in my lack of value and respect I had for myself. I could do an entire episode on the dangers of seeking validation outside ourselves, and I will, but for now, it's important to take time to reflect on how much value you place on other people's opinions of yourself over your own.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:19:03

Another theme that stood out is the pattern of self sabotage. I knowingly entered a relationship with a man who was already committed to someone else, despite the pain it caused me. Who does that? Someone who, again, doesn't have a strong sense of self esteem or self worth. This is an example of setting myself up for a fall. While there are many reasons one could self sabotage in a relationship, oftentimes it happens on a subconscious level. While I was aware at the time that I wasn't making the best decision, I wasn't aware of the driving force behind it. And while I'd love to say that this pattern ended with this relationship, unfortunately it took a long time in many more heartbreaking situations, including two failed marriages, to realize I needed to do the inner work that needed to be done in order to avoid relationships where I set myself up for sabotage and a lot of pain as a result. Recognizing and breaking patterns of self sabotage is crucial for personal growth and self mastery.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:20:12

This means making decisions that align with your highest good, even when it's difficult. I'm happy to say that I'm much better now at recognizing when someone isn't good for me, and the red flags that I used to ignore are taken much more seriously now. As a result, I've been able to dodge a few bullets while dating and walking away from something that, just as it's getting started, I used to be afraid to be alone, which would cause me to make poor decisions and stay in relationships that weren't healthy. But now I'm good. I don't fear being alone. And while having a partner to do life with would be great, I'm also at peace not having one. If you struggle with self sabotage, it's important to become more aware of your patterns and the triggers that come with them in order to overcome them. I'll be covering this topic more another time, but for now, it's important to note that a quote by Carl Jung rings true here, and that is, until you make the subconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:21:21

And boy, that couldn't be more true, especially when it comes to relationship patterns and self sabotage. Lastly, is the illusion of control okay, be honest. Are you a former control freak like me? If you're recovering codependent, then the answer is most likely yes. Like so many of us, I convinced myself I had everything under control. I told myself I could handle being the other woman and that things would be okay, which was total bullshit. But that's what happens when you self sabotage. You convince yourself that you're more aware than you really are. I had zero boundaries, which is a strategy that will leave you feeling depleted, resentful, bitter, and even ashamed at times.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:22:12

Self mastery involves recognizing the limits of your control and making choices that honor your boundaries and well being. For more on boundaries, check out episode nine. So when it came to boundaries, I really didn't have any, nor did I understand how important they were. And as I talked about in episode three, I grew up receiving the messages that my body was for a man's pleasure, and that in order to get what I wanted, which was the feeling of being loved, I felt I needed to give full access to my body in order to achieve it. Boundaries didn't exist for me. Obviously, I had a false sense of control, using sex as a tool for intimacy instead of letting go of him and the relationship. As soon as I knew he was engaged, I continued to circle back, seeking more of what felt good so that I could avoid what didn't. And as a result, I actually gave up all control to him, as he was the one who actually held the cards on where the relationship would ultimately go.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:23:18

There's so much more we can glean from this story, but for now, I've covered a few key points. As we wrap up this episode, I want to leave you with a few final thoughts. Reflecting on my past relationship with Tyrone has been a powerful reminder of the importance of self mastery and recognizing our patterns of self sabotage. It's through understanding our past decisions and their impacts that we can truly grow and evolve. Remember, self mastery isn't about being perfect. It's about being aware, making conscious choices, and learning from our experiences. Whether it's listening to our intuition, seeking validation from within, or breaking free from self destructive patterns, each step we take towards self awareness brings us closer to our true selves. Thank you for joining me on this episode of Life as a circus.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:24:16

So let's step into self mastery. I hope you found inspiration and valuable insights to carry with you on your journey. If you enjoyed today's episode, please share it with a friend and subscribe or follow wherever you're listening. Remember, in the circus of life, the greatest show is the one you create for yourself. Until next time, keep embracing your dreams and stepping into self mastery. Take care and I'll see you next Tuesday.