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Stacy Yardley [: 00:00:10

In the bustling, ever moving world of the circus, where the extraordinary is everyday life, I found myself on a journey of personal growth. This isn't just about daring feats and roaring crowds. It's about confronting biases and building true connections. Today, we'll step outside the arena and explore how one relationship in particular taught me to recognize and overcome biases, and how doing so can help you step into self mastery. Ready to uncover the unexpected lessons from the big top? Let's get started. Welcome to life as a circus. So let's step into self mastery, where we explore the balancing act of unlocking your inner potential while navigating life's chaos. I'm Stacey Yardley, your host, a former circus showgirl turned transformational life coach.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:01:05

If you're juggling multiple roles or responsibilities and feeling like life is a circus, you are in the right place. Join me each week for captivating tales from my circus days and insights on realizing your dreams. Whether you're an entrepreneur, business owner, or an aspiring leader, this podcast is your guide to self mastery. So grab your top hat and let's step into the greatest show of all, the circus of life. Ready to embark on this transformative journey together? Let's begin. When it comes to the circus life, one thing is for certain theres never a dull moment. Traveling by train across the continental United States, we were often referred to as the city without a zip code. Many families lived aboard the train, but there were also many singles among the animal and working crew and the performers.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:02:03

Occasionally youd see a romance spark up and couples would become very close very fast. After all, we worked and lived together on a social level. Like many other cities or communities, there was a tendency for people to congregate in groups where they had the most in common with others. The animal crew hung out with other animal crew members, the performers hung out with other performers, and there typically wasn't a lot of crossover relations romantically. In some cases, it was even looked upon as taboo or forbidden to date someone, say, in management or leadership. However, friendships would form and relationships were built based on mutual respect. This was the case when I became friends with a man on the animal crew who was essentially Gunther Gable Williams right hand man and a supervisor to the other animal crew members. He was a six foot three tall, muscular black man from the streets of New York and Detroit, where he joined the show at the age of 17 years old as a concession worker to stay off the streets of Detroit.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:03:13

He started by making snow cones with a dream to one day work with the animals and maybe even have his own tiger act. Over the first two years he worked his way up through hard work and after earning the trust and respect of Gunther, he was offered the position he now held. Like many, he held Gunther in high esteem as he was also his mentor with a background in modeling. He also had a cool swagger in the way that he walked and the looks to go with it. Not only did he have a dream, but he also had a destiny to fulfill. His name was Tyrone Taylor and that destiny would indeed come to pass when several years later, he would become the first black animal trainer to have his own tiger act with the greatest show on earth. But when I met him, he was still just Gunthers right hand man and a pretty cool dude too. He would assist me during the elephant act and we slowly began to build a friendship by talking when we saw each other outside the arena.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:04:17

Because of his status and his longevity on the show of twelve years, he had the privilege of having a bigger stateroom on the train than most people. And he was allowed to have a pet cat named Alex, whom I adored. So it made sense that I would say yes when Tyrone approached me one day just before the circus was officially hitting the road to ask me if I would be his cat sitter. Because Tyrone had to get to the next town to set up the animal tents before the train arrived. He would drive his motorcycle ahead during what we referred to as overland trips between towns. While it wasn't for every train run, it was for most of them. And because I shared a five x nine stateroom with my roommate Nicole, I jumped at the opportunity to travel in luxury in a private room with a cat for the night or two, depending on how far the train had to go. Of course, Tyrone did lay some ground rules down for me.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:05:13

As his cat sitter, I wasn't allowed to tell people where he lived because he wanted his privacy, and as a result, I wasn't allowed to have anyone over while I was there either. I felt honored that he entrusted me with his key to his room and to take care of his cat as we hit the road. The agreement we had was working out pretty well. Our friendship continued to grow and Tyrone made it a point to cheer me up when he noticed I was feeling down. Then after about a month of traveling, I made a mistake one day and used the key to his room to enter. When he wasnt there and without his permission, I simply wanted to just leave him a note. But I also got a little nosy and read a note that another friend of ours had left for him. I violated his trust and he wasn't happy about it, and rightfully so.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:06:06

I felt horrible. I ended up going to great lengths to apologize, getting him a card to say I was sorry and explaining my reasoning, promising not to do it again. However, he wanted his key back, but also reiterated that he still had a little bit of a thing for me. At this point we were just friends and it had never gone any further than that, even though he had expressed this interest in me until, that is, a few days later. Like I had so many other times. One night I was hanging out with the canadian skiers, partying in one of their rooms and Tyrone was a part of the festivities too. As the night came to a close, I left and he accompanied me out and together we walked through the train yard towards our own train cars that were pretty close together. We talked, joked, laughed, and shared some flirty banter back and forth.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:07:00

As I told him, I couldn't quite figure him out. Was he angry with me or did he like me? And like a schoolboy on a playground testing the waters, he made a comment to me that I felt this way because I was interested in him. It was clear that there was an attraction between us. We just weren't acting on it. Then, as we were saying our goodbyes, something happened. After more flirty exchanges back and forth, he took the initiative, boldly walked up to me and kissed me. I was surprised but I liked it and kissed him back. We then said our goodnight and went to our separate rooms.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:07:43

At that point I was confused. I liked him, but I wasn't sure what was about to happen or what could happen. I went to work the next day and had just one brief encounter with Tyrone when he said to me, that was a vicious lip lock you planted on me last night. A bit taken aback and also intrigued by his comment, I paused for a moment looking at him before I replied, huh? Vicious. He said in his deep baritone voice and walked away. I was drawn to Tyrone and it was evident he felt the same. But the weekend was upon us, which meant several back to back shows for the next two days before loading up and heading out Sunday night. This meant another train run of cat sitting for him while he drove ahead to meet up with us in the next town.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:08:36

During that time, I began to ponder where things might be headed between us. I had never been romantically involved with a black man before growing up. My father often made racist jokes, which always made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't understand his disdain towards other races, nor did I align with it. In addition this was the late eighties. A time in America when society was still evolving. And its acceptance of interracial relationships in many parts of the country. It was very challenging for interracial couples to live in peace without facing persecution.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:09:14

As I reflected on my feelings and the evolving relationship with Tyrone. I realized how crucial it was. That I start to check my unconscious biases. And as a result, the feelings of attraction continued to grow. As we arrived in the next town a few days later, Valentine's Day was upon us. Being the young, naive 19 year old I was, I decided to join a group of performers. Who went out to a comedy night even though I wasn't 21 yet. Turned out I blended in with the group so well, I was never carded.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:09:50

So I took it upon myself to party hard. And I drank like a sailor. That night, according to my diary, I consumed five kahlua and creams. At least four beers and three shots of peach knops. Clearly, I was too young to be drinking, let alone that much alcohol. It's no surprise that after twelve drinks I was completely shit faced. I was so drunk, in fact, that upon returning back to the train. I stumbled down to Tyrone's room.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:10:21

And knocked on his door at 03:00 a.m. as I went inside, one thing led to another. And before I knew it. I was waking up the next morning with a raging hangover and a lot of questions. Let's pause here now and go a little deeper. And discuss how our biases and preconceived ideas. Can play a significant role when it comes to practicing self mastery. As I reflected on my feelings and the evolving relationship with Tyrone.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:10:50

I realized how crucial it was to check my biases. My upbringing had exposed me to certain prejudices. But my experiences with Tyrone changed these preconceptions. Understanding and acknowledging this internal conflict. Was a significant step towards self mastery. It's important to note here that self mastery involves living authentically. In alignment with our true selves. Biases can distort our perceptions and actions both consciously and unconsciously.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:11:23

Which can lead us away from authenticity. By identifying and overcoming our biases, we align our behaviors with our genuine beliefs and values. Which can lead to better relationships, better business practices. And a more authentic and fulfilling life. So where do we begin? The first step in this journey is through self awareness. And the ability to recognize your biases. A bias is a tendency to favor or lean towards a particular perspective, idea or group, often in an unfair or prejudiced manner. Biases are usually, but not always, unconscious.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:12:02

And can influence our thoughts, our actions, and our decisions without us even realizing it. And they are shaped by our experiences, our culture, our upbringing, and our environment in general. Everyone has them, but how we handle them is key in the practice of self mastery. Generally speaking, there are two types of explicit and implicit. The explicit bias consists of conscious beliefs, attitudes, and preferences we hold about certain groups or individuals. Explicit biases are also typically openly expressed and communicated. Then there's the implicit bias. These are the unconscious attitudes and stereotypes that often affect our understanding, our actions, and our decisions.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:12:50

Implicit biases are more challenging to recognize because they operate below the conscious level of our awareness. Some common biases include confirmation bias, stereotyping, the halo effect, and in group bias. Let's break these down even further so that you can begin to identify when they might be happening within you. Confirmation bias is a tendency to search for, interpret, and remember information that confirms our preexisting beliefs and opinions, while at the same time ignoring or dismissing information that contradicts them. By the way, a little aside on confirmation bias, if you use social media in any capacity, it pretty much is a guarantee that you are continually reinforcing your bias through confirmation based on the algorithms. This is how social media is designed. It shows you more of what you already focus on based on your usage, so you, the user, will continue to return to it again and again because it affirms your identity of who you are, what you believe, and as a result, increases your confirmation bias. This is why it's important to expose yourself to opposing views.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:14:05

Often, if you truly want to break through your own confirmation bias, or in the very least, become more aware when it's in effect so that you can navigate around it. Next, there's the stereotyping bias. This involves attributing certain characteristics or behaviors to an entire group of people based on assumptions or limiting information. Living in the US, you don't have to look very far to see this particularly playing out right now in our country, especially as it pertains to politics or in recent years, the medical landscape around Covid-19 and how people handled it. I'd like to invite you to take a moment to consider the conclusions you would make about a person after learning that they were a Trump supporter. Would you be for them or against them based on this one fact? Or what about your thoughts about a person who did or did not take the COVID vaccine? What stereotype label or characteristics would you put on them without even knowing them on a deeper personal level, or their reasoning as to why? Next is the halo effect. This bias occurs when our overall impression of a person influences our judgment about their specific traits. For example, if we find someone likable, we might also assume that they're intelligent and capable.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:15:28

Or you might be more likely to listen to someone's advice as having more value simply based on their role or title. And lastly, we have the in group bias. And this bias creates the tendency to favor people who belong to the same group as us, for example, the same race, nationality, or social circle, and we tend to view them more positively than those who belong to different groups. Similar to stereotyping, this is a bias that can add division and disharmony in many ways within our communities and society as a whole. So why is it important to recognize bias? Well, for several reasons, it helps us improve our decision making. By being aware of our biases, we can make more objective and fair decisions in both personal and professional contexts, and doing so can also enhance our relationships. Understanding and addressing biases can help us build more authentic and respectful relationships with others, fostering empathy and understanding. Of course, personal growth is always a good reason, if you ask me.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:16:37

By confronting our biases, it allows us to grow as individuals. It challenges us to move beyond our comfort zones and expand our perspectives. And lastly, it can help promote equity and inclusion. Recognizing bias is essential for creating equitable and inclusive environments, whether in the workplace, the community, or society at large. Again, check in with yourself. Has anything I mentioned here triggered you? It could be you're currently experiencing a bias. Finally, you may be wondering, how can we address and overcome our biases? Well, we start with self reflection. Regularly take time to reflect on your thoughts, your feelings, and your behaviors to identify potential biases.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:17:26

Ask yourself why you think or feel a certain way about a person or a situation. Becoming more aware of what or how you're thinking is truly a game changer when it comes to self mastery. If you want to master yourself, you've got to know yourself. Also, make an effort to seek diverse perspectives, engage with people from different backgrounds and experiences. This can help broaden your understanding and challenge your assumptions. You can also take time to educate yourself, learn about different cultures, histories, and social issues to gain a deeper understanding of the world, and reduce stereotypes. In addition, practicing mindfulness and meditation can also help increase your awareness of unconscious biases and improve your ability to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. Lastly, and this is a big one because it requires courage and vulnerability, and that is to invite others to provide feedback on your behavior and attitudes.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:18:30

Constructive feedback can help you identify and address blind spots you might not otherwise see. It's important to note that biases are not just about race, but also about roles and social statuses within our communities. By identifying your biases, you can then begin to understand how they're influencing your thoughts and actions, and you can take action from a conscious place of choice on how to proceed. Recognizing my biases allowed me to see Tyrone for who he truly was. I had to question the validity of my preconceived notions and look for evidence that contradicted them. Tyrone was not just Gunthers right hand man or a member of the animal crew. He was a person with dreams, talents, and a unique story. This realization also helped me see beyond the surface and appreciate the depth of his character.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:19:21

By challenging my assumptions, I could appreciate the diverse background and experiences of not just Tyrone, but others within our circus community as well. This taught me that biases, whether they're about race, roles, or social status, can limit our potential to forming meaningful relationships. When we can become aware of our bias and challenge our assumptions, we foster a space of connection and growth from within. Embracing this growth means understanding that overcoming your biases is an ongoing process. Each interaction with Tyrone was an opportunity to learn and grow. For me, it was about continually refining my beliefs and behaviors and being open to new perspectives. By addressing my biases, I was able to build a more authentic connection and relationship with Tyrone. Our friendship and budding romantic relationship was not just confined by social expectations or prejudices, but instead based on genuine understanding and affection.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:20:23

The same can go for you. Where in your life or business might your biases or assumptions beginning in the way of creating more authentic relationships? And how might your biases be impacting the way you show up in your work or your role as a leader? Do you automatically judge someone and file them away in the recesses of your biases and assumptions? Or do you stay open minded and choose to suspend your automatic first reaction so that you can experience more fulfillment and satisfaction in your relationships and in your life? I believe if we want to see change in the world and less divide as a whole, it's crucial to continuously reflect on our progress when it comes to our growth. In this way, regular self reflection allows us to see how far we've come and where we still need to grow. It's about being willing to adjust our beliefs and behaviors as we gain new insights. Understanding and addressing bias is a vital step towards self mastery. By recognizing our biases and actively working to overcome them, we can make better decisions, build deeper and more authentic connections within our relationships, and contribute to a more inclusive and equitable world. I want to encourage you to embrace the journey of confronting your biases and unlock the full potential of personal growth and self mastery. Thank you for joining me on this episode of life as a circus.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:21:54

So let's step into self mastery. I hope you found inspiration and valuable insights to carry with you on your journey. If you enjoyed today's episode, please share it with a friend and subscribe or follow wherever you're listening. Remember, in the circus of life, the greatest show is the one you create for yourself. Until next time, keep embracing your dreams and stepping into self mastery. Take care and I'll see you next Tuesday.