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Stacy Yardley [: 00:00:09

Have you ever had a moment that changed everything? One of those moments for me was stepping off the plane in Florida to join the circus, then boarding the circus train where I would meet my roommate, Nicole, who just so happened to be a clown. We spent a year performing together and became lifelong friends. And now, 36 years later, we've reconnected to share our incredible journey and some nuggets of wisdom gained along the way. Join us as we reminisce about life under the big top and catch up on where life has taken us since. A to Life is a circus. So let's step into self mastery, where we explore the balancing act of unlocking your inner potential while navigating life's chaos. I'm Stacy Yardley, your host, a former circus showgirl turned transformational life coach. If you're juggling multiple roles or responsibilities and feeling like life is a circus, you are in the right place.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:01:11

Join me each week for captivating tales from my circus days and insights on realizing your dreams. Whether you're an entrepreneur, business owner, or an aspiring leader, this podcast is your guide to self mastery. So grab your top hat, and let's step into the greatest show of all, the circus of life. Ready to embark on this journey together? Let's begin. There are certain moments in our personal lives that we a that I like to refer to as marker points along the timeline of our life. Marker points can be defined as maybe the beginning of something, the end of something, or even just a clear monumental defining moment in our life where we know that from that moment on, life as we know it would be forever changed. This was one of those moments for me. As I stepped off the airplane in Sarasota, Florida, I headed toward the baggage claim to quickly grab my oversized duffel bag.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:02:19

My heart raced with anticipation knowing that I needed to find the man, we'll call him Greg, who would drive me about 28 miles to the winter quarters for the circus that was in Venice, Florida. It didn't take long before I saw a man holding a paper sign with my name on it, and he seemed pretty harmless. So I approached him looking like a pack mule with all my bags hanging from my arms a said, hi. I'm Stacy. He then smiled and replied, hi. I'm Greg. Welcome to Florida. Let me help you with those.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:02:52

As he began taking a couple of my heaviest bags from me, we proceeded to head out to his car. For a fleeting moment, I thought to myself, oh my god. I hope this guy doesn't kidnap me or something. As we stepped outside, the warm humid Florida air felt good after being stuck on an airplane all day. And as we drove down the highway with the windows down a his large sedan, he asked me questions about where I was from and if I was excited to be a part of the show. About 25 minutes into our drive, we pulled off the highway and into the small town of Venice. And taking a few more turns, we slowly a the train yard. This is it, Greg said is we drove onto the dirt and gravel road and over a few train tracks.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:03:38

I was mesmerized by what I saw as I felt butterflies beginning to flutter inside my torso and my breath shortening. The train was parked and deconstructed into various sections, and I could see why they called it the little town without a ZIP code. When it was put together and in travel mode, the train would span to a mile long, carrying equipment, crew, performers, and animals. Each car was silver with a red banner stretching the length of the train car with the circus name on is, alongside round logos that boasted the greatest show on earth, like a badge of honor beaming from the metal silver billboard. At the end of each train car was a small platform with enough room for 1 or 2 people to stand outside. It was called the vestibule. This is where we would enter the train via a narrow door. It was too far to step from the ground onto the first step leading to the vestibule, so there were portable step stools in each train car where circus performers and animal crew would board the train to enter.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:04:44

As we pulled up to the train, we slowly approached car number 40. Greg stopped his car right beside the vestibule, turned off the ignition, and looked at me and said, welcome home. I cracked a nervous smile and said, thanks. We then got out of the car and grabbed grabbed my bags from the trunk and carried them up to the deck of the vestibule where I would then take them inside. Typically, only residents were allowed inside the dancer female clown car unless accompanied by a of the residents. And while other performers were allowed, it didn't happen very often a was often discouraged because this was, after all, an all female car. When it came to outsiders, typically, no one was allowed on the train unless it was preapproved by management. I thanked Greg and made my way on board the circus train, opening the door to the car a called out, hello? Is anybody here? As I entered into the kitchen space, I looked around and noticed a small chalkboard on the wall next to the door, and it had 3 different times written on is, 9 AM, 12 PM, and 3 PM, under the words a slash laundry.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:06:06

I would later learn that these were the designated times for pickup and drop off for the circus bus, a former school bus that was painted all white with red branded letters across it a like the circus train. We would take this bus into town for the price of a quarter to do laundry at the local laundromat or grocery shopping, or on some days, we'd even go to the mall. While some performers did have their own cars, motorcycles, and bikes, it wasn't the norm for the majority of the circus performers as there wasn't enough space on the train for such items. Only a select few stars of the show had the privilege of storing their personal vehicles or motorcycle on the train while traveling. Everyone else who had cars, they were required to drive separately from town to town on what we referred to as overland trips. As I stood there inside the kitchen taking it all in, some of the girls came down the hallway to greet me. Well, hello there, darling, a voice rang out. As I turned around, I saw a tall, muscular, yet sleek and beautiful black woman with a large smile, very short hair, and a bold presence entering the kitchen space.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:07:18

I'm Reagan. What's your name? I smiled and introduced myself. Hi. I'm Stacy. And just then, a few more women came to the kitchen to greet me and introduce themselves. During a brief discussion, I learned that I was the youngest of all the dancers. A, I would learn range from my age, 18, up to age 30. I also met the head showgirl, Evelyn, who escorted me to my room, which was right next to hers.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:07:49

As we approached my room, she said, most of the girls get a roommate, but you'll get a stateroom with a roommate. Nicole is your roommate, and she'll be back in a minute. I think she just ran to the clown car for something. Turned out, Nicole was one of 5 female clowns amongst the 25 we had on our show. Just then, I heard a joyful giggle coming down the hallway, and sure enough, it was Nicole. Hello. Are you my new roommate? She asked. Yes.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:08:23

I am. I'm Stacy. I replied, and from there, we discussed who would sleep where and how we'd set up our room. We decided Nicole would get the top a, and I'd get the bottom. As I began unpacking my things, Nicole and I continued to talk and get to know each other, and we settled in as we prepared to start rehearsals the following day. It's been 36 years since we met that day on the circus train. We would become friends and circus family is we spent the next year experiencing the highs and lows of life in the circus together before eventually going our separate ways. It wasn't until decades later that we would reconnect via social media, and I'm so glad we did because this gives me the opportunity to share her with you right now.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:09:13

I recently sat down with Nicole to catch up and talk about our time together on the big show, what she's up to now all these years later, and how she navigates the Circus In the world of clowning, Maggie is a vibrant alter ego of Nicole Portwood, who also juggles roles as an EMT and a substitute teacher during the week. On the weekends, she transforms into Maggie, a seasoned clown with a passion for spreading joy. Nicole's journey began at 17 when she worked as a clown at a local amusement park, leading her to train at the prestigious Ringling A and Barnum and Bailey Clown College and travel for 4 years with the a show on earth. In addition, she's performed at other well known amusement parks Life Disneyland, Disney World, and 6 Flags a has been an instructor for the World Clown Association, Clowns of America International, and more. From local stages to international venues, Nicole delights audiences with her ever expanding repertoire of skills, always seeking new challenges, and to keep her performances fresh and exciting. So welcome to the show, my very first guest on Life is a circus, so let's step into self mastery, my friend and old roommate, former roommate, I should say, Nicole Portwood. Nicole, I'm so glad you're here. Welcome.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:10:42

I am so glad I'm

Nicole Portwood [: 00:10:43

here, and I'm so glad that you invited me. Thank you so much. I'm so happy to be a part of this journey with you.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:10:49

Yeah. It's exciting. And we were just chatting before we've hit record about looking at our journals, looking at our past a, and such, and how it's just a wild ride to look back, and sometimes is can be a little cringey. And so we don't know what's gonna happen in this interview. We don't know what to expect. We have some, you know, questions, but we're gonna just kinda free flow this and see what happens and and is we unfold. But I really wanted people to kinda get a glimpse into clown life, right, because people have questions about the circus and what it was like. They wanna know what was it like living with a clown, right, and what was our living quarters, all of that, but then a little bit more about you as a person too.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:11:26

And I want people to know, you know, the the Nicole behind Maggie a clown. So we'll get into that a little bit, but before we started talking, I was reading about my arrival at the show and coming on

Nicole Portwood [: 00:11:39

to the circus train. And I'm curious for you, what was your first impression of me is you can remember? It was a long time ago. Right? 35, 36 years ago. But what do you remember when you first met me? So when I had visited the show pre devious to getting there that day, my familiarity with what train looked like was that everybody had the room mats, which were the very, very small picture, if you will, a closet with a door that Life sideways, and you don't even walk into it. You just climb onto the bed. So I'm trying to have the audience understand what a room mat was. If you if you do go on the Amtrak website, they show what a what a room mat looks like versus what a stateroom is on an Amtrak train. It was it's very similar.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:12:26

It's pretty much identical. And so that day that I arrived, they told us what day to get there, and they didn't specify what time to get there. And so when I remember my biggest memory of arriving that day was getting on to the girl's car, which was, of course, the dancers and the girl clowns, and realizing that the train car was actually split into Stacy rooms versus the roomette. And then being told I was not getting a room mat, I e a room to myself is small as it was, but that I was going to have to share a room, a stateroom with someone else. Now, again, the audience not realizing a stateroom is basically a 5 by 8. I try to tell people today, not today's bathrooms, because today's bathrooms in a house are monstrous. But picture a 19 sixties bathroom, a normal Life, full size bathroom, which had just basically a sink, a toilet, a tub. That size bathroom is what a stateroom was.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:13:28

Mhmm. And picture a bunk bed a, basically, a sink and a mini fridge. And that was it. And that's what you had to live in for the next year with another person that you'd never met before. Now I am a friendly person and I never had a problem making friends. But still, my first it was disappointing to think, like, oh my gosh. Like, how how are we? Both of us. How are we? I hadn't even met you yet, but how are we going to get through this? This is such a small space, and you are going to be with this person a lot other than when you're working.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:14:06

And then I met you. And then I was like, I remember. I can still remember. I can't remember where we were when we met or whatever. But just like my roommate at clown college, afterwards, I was able to Stacy, if I could've picked anybody in that whole clown college that that I could've picked, that's the feeling I had when I met you. And then even just in the subsequent days after that, my feeling was if I had to do this with anybody, I'm so thankful. Thank god is was Stacy and not anybody else. Because, again, it it wasn't the easiest thing, but if I could have picked, I definitely would have picked you.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:14:45

So

Stacy Yardley [: 00:14:46

Aw.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:14:46

Hope that makes you feel better. It does. Well, it does, Nicole,

Stacy Yardley [: 00:14:49

and I feel the same way. You know, I was 18 when I joined, turned 19 while I was there, but I was the same way. I arrived, and it was like, okay. I wanted a roommate too. Like, who didn't want a roommate? You know, even though it was smaller because of the privacy. Right? Because you have this little closet a to Self, and you have that privacy. But, you know, living in a room, it's like, okay. I have to share this room with somebody, and am I gonna get along with this person? What's it gonna be like? And it is very tight quarters Life you said.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:15:16

And I remember we had, you know, we had to do some adjusting where it was like, okay. Who got up earlier? Who slept in? You know, who gets the top? Who gets the bottom bunk? Right? And at one point, we had switched. Right? Like, I think I started on the bottom, and then you got up early. And so I was like, can we switch? Because you get up earlier than I do because I was a, so I slept in later.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:15:36

Step on your head. And Yeah.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:15:37

And you, like, step on my head. It's like, when you wake up, you step on my bed. You know? I was Life, and just, you know, the things. It was funny. I was reading a journal or listening to the tape recently that I had found, you know, the cassette tape and was complaining to my friend that, you know, you were making tuna in the room. And we had our own little, you know, stove or not stove, but sink and refrigerator, like you said, but the rest of the girls used the bigger a. So we had, for those of you that aren't aware, that the train car was, like she said, divided into roomettes and then staterooms. There was probably about, I think, 4 or 5 staterooms.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:16:09

And then there was the kitchen that had a couple refrigerators and the range and the sink and everything, and the girls that were in the roommettes got those refrigerators. And we were encouraged to use our tiny, a, mini fridge for all of our stuff. Right? And it was just it's crazy to think that we lived in these tight quarters together so long. Right? And things did happen along the way. We won't give out too much spoilers, but there were moments where we did get some privacy to ourselves in the big room because you left the show for a temporary time, and I left the show for a temporary time, and then we came back. So it was a little bit of that too, but I definitely know that there was, you know, as I say, the hand of God on it. Right? There was a divine, I think, orchestrated time of having you with me and having you there because I think that, you know, you being such a faith based person, I I don't know if I was on your prayer list during that time, but I suspect I probably was because I needed a lot of prayer during that time. And it just I really felt safe with you, I think, is what it was.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:17:10

And it and I felt like I was you weren't going to be the catty, you know, a thing that that can happen when girls women get along, you know, together for long, long periods of Life. Although there was, you know, always a little bit of drama here and there. But, yeah, I definitely I definitely feel grateful that it was you and I together on that road. Now as I mentioned in the show, you were with the a show for 4 years, but this was your 1st year on this show. Correct?

Nicole Portwood [: 00:17:38

I had spent 6 months previous on the gold unit that went to A. And but we lived in a hotel, so it was a very different experience. So, yes, this was my 1st year on the road in the Stacy.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:17:52

And when you think about the time together on the road, what do you what are some of your biggest memories that you feel like were the the biggest takeaway from being in those or even just the year that we were together or being on the road, what was your biggest takeaway for you as far as most memorable thing about traveling?

Nicole Portwood [: 00:18:11

Well, I think living on a circus train the way we did is in and itself, like, an experience that so few people, you know, and now will never experience because the train doesn't exist anymore. The circus train doesn't exist. So we are an elite group that, you know, we're we were very fortunate to have an opportunity to have a lifestyle. I mean, because, obviously, people will always say to me, oh, aren't you Why don't you go back and work over the circus? I'm like, no. You don't understand. That was a full Life, not 40 hours week. It was life. Your entire life was the Circus.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:18:48

50 weeks out of the year. You know, you had 2 weeks off a year. That was it. Otherwise, you were performing full time. So my biggest thing when I share about, you know, being with the road, it's the things that are the most unique about it and you think are really cool, and they are really cool, but they become overwhelming because then it's all the time. Like, it's I try to tell people, like, you love ice cream sundaes. Right? But if that's all you got to eat for the next week and a half, you wouldn't want an ice cream sundae for every meal. And that's what living on the road is like.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:19:21

Like, it is really cool, and it was was really cool, but it also gets old because you're living on a train. And that's cool, but you're living on a train, like, all the a. And you don't have a car, and you don't have transportation, and you have that one day a week that you get to go to the grocery store and, you know, the laundromat. And, yes, you're performing with the big show. But then that's it. You're performing with the a show, 13 shows a week. A, unfortunately, it's, it's, I don't know, a mixed blessing in the sense that it's hard that when you're living it 24 hours a a, I always say I wish I could go back and appreciate it more. I did appreciate it because we'll talk about this, I'm sure, but my road to get there was a long road.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:20:06

So I probably more than most people did very much appreciate being there. You have to be able to take each day and realize this is a blessing. This is a Life. But it's hard because, again, you're living at 24 hours a a, whether it's because you're having to share a room, a tiny, tiny room with someone or you're sharing a kitchen with 20 other people who who took my baloney and, you know, or who took my mustard. I had mustard in here. I know I did. And, you know, things that would happen at the building, and people don't realize that being with a show like that, you are eating, breathing, living, everything with the same people. Whereas when you're in the real world, you go to work a you come home.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:20:45

It's 2 very distinct places. And when you're in the circus, it's it's all one. You you don't get away from any of these people. So there's a lot that you learn, you know, about teamwork and living together and being able to tolerate more things than you maybe normally would. It it's almost like living in a big, big family where you really do realize, like, okay. We are a family, and we have to figure out how to make it day to day. And, again, you know, realize the blessings, realize the gifts, and understand that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. So enjoy it while it Mastery, because it's not gonna last.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:21:26

You won't be able to let it last.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:21:28

Right. Right. And I think that, you know, you make a really valid point because we didn't we couldn't get away from each other. Right? No matter what, we were around each a, and I was as you were talking, I was reflecting back on you mentioned, and people don't know this yet, but we would have a market laundry bus. So going to the market, the grocery store, or the mall the the biggest thing was, like, we're gonna go to the mall today. Right? Like, let's go to the movies. Like, it was a big outing was good to go a the movies or the mall, and I would remember walking through the mall and seeing other circus people, like, A just can't even get away from them on my day off. I'm at the mall.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:22:02

Right? Like, we'd see each other across the way, and it was like you just were with them all the time. You just couldn't get away from them. And is, again, not to say negative things. It was just, like you said, around 247, and you couldn't separate it. Right? It was you tried to the best you could, but what happened at the arena came back to the train. What happened in the train went to the arena, like, all of it all in a. But, definitely, I agree with you that appreciating it and learning to appreciate it or had I could I go back and do it again? I would do things differently. Right? Of course, in today's world, it would be different because we would have social media.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:22:36

We would have recording devices that were different and all of that, but it definitely, was something that was a mixed thing. I think it was a mixed blessing. Right? It was a great experience, something that we had that we'll never have again or other people won't a. And at the same time, I do remember thinking, I don't wanna do this much longer. It's hard. It's really, really hard to do this day in and day out, even on your day off. Right? So, yeah, so let's talk about, you know, your journey to the show and what led you. So what what led you to clowning? How did you start what made you wanna become a clown?

Nicole Portwood [: 00:23:12

So, obviously, I have ADHD, if you can't tell and just how much I love to talk. But growing up, I did fairly okay in school. I'm a I'm a list maker, and my ADHD actually helps me, cross things off on a list. Like, I'm that kind of ADHD person. I get up in the morning, and I think about all of what I'd like to get done that day, and I'm not satisfied until the the list is done. But it's almost like an OCD thing, like, also, but it's my hyperactivity that is driving that cross it off. Cross it off. Cross it off.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:23:46

So I did well in school because of that. Like, the teacher would put up on the board. This is what you're supposed to get done, and I would get it done in 2 seconds and then run around the room and bother everybody. I wasn't a straight a student, but I was a a b student. I I wasn't a a dummy or anything. So in high school, my plan was to become a nurse. I had my older sister was in medical school, and she was gonna become a doctor. And I was like, well, I don't drive that high.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:24:10

But I said, I think I could be a nurse. So that was my plan, and then I took the SATs. And, again, because of my ADHD, I have I memorize things. I don't tend to learn, so I have bad retention. So when I took the SATs, I did not do a. Even though I was on A Honor Society, I was in all these extracurricular activities. I mean, I I had everything on the resume that makes a good college student. Right? A good college candidate.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:24:36

And when I didn't do all on A, it was, like, I was devastated. And then I was I was frankly ticked off because I was Life, wait a minute. I just did everything that you told me to do. Like, you know, be in all these activities, you know, make the honor society, make honor roll, dah dah dah dah. And I did all this stuff, and now you're still relegating me to community college because I didn't do well enough on my SATs. So I had that. So that, you have to realize, is a little part of this. And then somebody told me, it's okay, Nicole.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:25:04

Like, do medical assistant. If you do a 2 year medical assistant program, you'll you'll get into an RN program. And I'm like, that made me feel a little better. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I think I was still ticked off at the system. Right? At the system of that had failed me. Like, I could have just jerked off my entire, you know, career in high school and still ended up a community college. So I'm, like, going, okay. This doesn't sound right to me.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:25:27

So, anyway, I think I think there was a little bit of frustration there. So that's my junior year of high school, I had worked at our local amusement park and games. And I had watched this clown walking around, and I had once said to somebody that summer, does that guy get paid to do that? Because it looked really easy and really fun. Right? That's what a 17 year old is thinking. Like, okay. If I have to work, it better be easy and it better be fun. So they said, of course, he gets paid to do that. So long story short, I auditioned the following year to be in the clown show for my senior year of high school.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:26:00

So my senior year of high school summer, I'm working as a clown. You know? Not really It's it's a job, and I took it because it was easy a it was fun. I'm also applied and accepted to the medical assistant program. Well, again, long story short, 3 weeks before I was supposed to start my medical assistant program, I received my letter in the mail from Ringling Brothers Barn Bailey Life College that I had been accepted. Yes. I had gone on a couple of auditions, but not not even for a second thinking I'd actually get in Because the rumor was, it's very difficult. You'll never get in. It's easier to get into Harvard and blah blah blah.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:26:36

So I just really did it for fun. I didn't I'd never expected to actually get in. So here I am 3 weeks before I'm supposed to start college, and I just remember saying to my mom, well, what am I supposed to do now? And she said, well, you're gonna do this clown thing because this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. So I was like, okay. So ended up going to clown college. And it's weird, but when you get there, I don't know, me, personally, when I walked in that arena, I don't know. I felt home. I don't know how to describe it, but I walked in and I just felt like that's where I belonged.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:27:10

I had grown up going to the circus. I had a lot of good memories about going to the circus. I used to go on my birthday, and it was a very special time that only me and my mom would go. And so I I do think that there were some just really nicely planted good memories of what circus meant. Like, it's it you know, for me. And I just walked in that arena that day to start this clown college, and I was like, wow. I real I really wanna do this. And then the more I learned about it and spent that time, it was a it was a 10 and 10 week course.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:27:42

You know, I really, really wanted it. But at the end of the 10 weeks, there's about 50 students each year, and it all depends on who is leaving the show. And that's what determines who gets a contract at the end of the 10 weeks when you do the big performance for the owner of the show. And sometimes is can be 30 a. Sometimes it can be 10. It all depends on who's leaving the show. You also are filling a slot a lot of times because the show has 2 tours. The 2nd year of the tour, you are taking a spot of something, a show piece that is already in existence.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:28:19

So Life, you're you're filling a costume is what you're doing. So if you're not the right size, if you're not a stilt walker, if you're not this, if you're not that, you're not gonna fit into that slot. So that could be why you don't get a contract. You never really know. Sometimes it's something something really silly. Like, they didn't like your the color of your wig. I mean, it was you never really get a very clear answer of why you don't get a contract. I just know the year that I graduated, we had 48 a, and only 18 got contracts.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:28:48

So there's 30 of us that, you know, ended up going home and having to do other things. And some people didn't even want a contract, but I did. And when I didn't get one, I was devastated, and I was gonna do anything and everything to do what I was supposed to do to make sure I was gonna get called at a later time. And that's what I asked them. I said, you know, what do I have to do? And they just said, do anything and everything, clowning, and just keep writing and telling them that you're still interested. And, again, long story short, that's what I did for the next 3 years. I I clowned full time in many different venues, Disney World, Disneyland, Circus World. They worked for an entertainment company, and I was a trainer.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:29:28

And all the while, I just kept writing to them saying, I'm I'm still here. I'm still available, and I still want a contract. And it paid off because they called me, and I and I did end up going on the road.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:29:39

I love that, Nicole. Because what I just heard, like, through all of that is really, like, it wasn't your childhood dream to become a clown, but it was your pull to do something fun that you enjoyed and get paid for it. So, essentially, you followed your heart. We're at that crossroads. Which direction do I go? With my head or my heart? And it was like, yeah. Take the opportunity that that feeds my heart, and then that's kinda when the seed was planted and the dream grew out of that once you became a clown in the clown college. A want people to understand that, like Nicole said, it's really difficult. Is have to fit the bill, so to speak.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:30:14

And for a female, let's just face is, it was even harder because there's only so many female clowns on the show out of how many clowns total are on each show or was on our show?

Nicole Portwood [: 00:30:25

At that time, there were about 25 clowns on each unit, and there were really only 2 to 3 girls, typically. I know 1 Yardley had 5, and that was that was a big alley to have the 5 girls. Ours had 5, you said? Of my 4 years, the average was usually 4. I think a year, we did have 5. And then my unit in Japan, we only had the 3.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:30:50

So yeah. Though for women, again, it was Life many other situations and Circus. It was even harder for you to get to find a spot.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:30:58

Yeah. The ratio was much much more boys than the girls. Yeah.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:31:02

And so with that dream of, you know, okay. Now I wanna I want to make this show. I want to get on there, and you didn't give up. You kept pursuing it, and then you made it. So you made it to the you went to Japan, and then you came on to the red show. And I wanna talk about when you got to the red show, we talked about already meeting me and all of that, but there was something very magical that happened on the red show. And I even remember being young. I was very boy crazy, very much, like, needing love and wanting love and all a things.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:31:28

And so any boys, you know, that were attractive, I was drawn to them or whatever. And there was one particular man who was way out of my range. Right? But he was cute. He I'll admit he was cute, and we all kinda had, like, a fondness for him. He was very friendly. His name was Ram Portwood, so if you recognize the last name. Nicole, what is was your first impression when you met Rahm? Rahm was Gunther's promoter. Correct?

Nicole Portwood [: 00:31:53

His official title was media coordinator for Gunther Gable Williams for the farewell tour. The show had regional promoters, and and this makes a little sense when I talk about how we met A and kind of why he was a little bit different than some of the other suits, so to speak, that were on the show. So the show mostly had regional promoters, not promoters that stayed with the show. And so when Rahm was around, it was Life we didn't realize he was gonna stay around because we would see a promoter for maybe a month or 2 depending on what region we were in, New York City, a. And then they were gone because they were simply regional promoters. We I don't think any of us quite understood his position because there hadn't been a position like that. There hadn't been a road. And so it was probably maybe 2, 3 months into the tour that by then, it was kinda like, oh, you know, who is that guy that's always around? And he wore wore suits.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:32:53

You know, back then, the guy anybody in the office, they still wore the suit and the tie. And Life you said, we knew Rahm because he was really nice. So if we saw him backstage, he was just a really nice guy. So a really nice guy. He's just very friendly. And and when you're 18, 19, 20, 21 years old, if a guy is smiling at you and saying hi, you know, you thought they liked you. It was Life, so when I saw him, Life, like, oh, I think that guy likes me because he always smiles and says hi to me. So then that's what what initially attracted me to him was I thought he liked me because he always smiled at me and said hi.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:33:28

Little did I know he smiled and said hi to everybody, boys and girls and everybody. So, anyway, by February, it was almost Valentine's Day. I bought a box of those silly little classroom A, and I'd given them till the boy clowns just for fun. You know, it's just a classroom y a thing to do. And I remember having a couple left over, and I'm like, okay. Who should I give one to? And I'm like, oh, I'm gonna give one to that really nice guy that smiles and says hi all the time. I didn't even know what his name was. And so I remember saying to a fellow girl clown, A.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:33:58

I said, Lara, who is that guy that wears the suits and the glasses all the time? Well, she thought because, again, like, you know, we didn't all really know Ron that well. She thought that I meant the controller at the time, and the controller's name was Mike. So she goes, oh, his name is Mike. So I addressed the card to Mike, and I had that silly card in my pocket all day long. Well, now it's the end of the day. I hadn't seen him all day long, and it was a load out night. And we're at the back of the, you know, stage, and the animals are loading out and everything, the elephants and all that. And I finally see him.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:34:33

And I said, oh, I you know, here I have a card for you because this was so traumatic. I remember, like, it was yesterday. I I forget everything, but this, I did not forget. He looks at the Yardley, and he's like, well, thanks, but my name is not Mike. A then all of a sudden, I got all confused because at that moment, like, I thought he wasn't the same guy because he had a polo shirt on, because it was load out night a he was doing the animal walk. So at that moment, he didn't have a suit and tie on, and and you have to realize I only saw him all the time in passing. So then all of a sudden, I'm, like, looking at him going, is this the wrong guy? Maybe I don't even have the right guy. Like, I was so confused at that moment.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:35:10

So that the rest of it's a blur, but that was kind of how all that happened. And then, of course, it wasn't too much time after that. We ended up in New York, and then I'm sure we're gonna talk about that. But that was my introduction to Rom.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:35:24

That's so funny. So the inside joke of Mike, you know, like, Colin. Do you ever call him Mike as an inside joke? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:35:31

Every time I talk to Mike.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:35:34

That's awesome. So, yeah, so let's go to New York. So we traveled all across the country by train, and I remember New York was very monumental for me. I was like, we have hit the big time. We're in Madison Square Garden. We were parked in Queens for, you know, 6 weeks. We would take the subway in. So what happened in New York with you and Rahm?

Nicole Portwood [: 00:35:56

So the show played, we were to be there for 6 weeks. And I don't even know when it was. Maybe 3rd weekend or something like that. The reason we we play there so long is, number 1, the crowds, but also is we are sharing the building with other things that are going on during that time. And we always play New York in the March time frame, which is also hockey season. And, we were sharing the arena with, games that were going on at night. So we would do what we call the school shows, which were Life 10 o'clock in the morning and 2 o'clock. So we'd be doing these shows earlier in the day, and then they would literally strike all of our equipment and have these hockey games going on at night.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:36:36

Well, obviously, you have ice. So we would have our track rubber on the ice, and our track rubber is is not even an inch thick. And the 1st couple weeks, I think they were still, I don't know, trying to get the temperature just right. And the condensation that was forming on our track a due to the ice being underneath and the temperature of the building. And it was it was causing a lot of slipperiness. And we were having some issues not only with the animals, the horses, because they go in a circle. So as they would, you know, try to be doing their galloping in a circle, they were sliding. And I remember Gunther coming to us and saying, you know, you guys shouldn't be stilt walking.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:37:17

There was 5 stilt walkers. We were on 6 footers to 10 footers. I was on sevens. So we had Laura on 6 a then me and then Toto and then Christopher and then Dave. So one of the days that Gunther had come to us and said, I wouldn't walk if I were you guys. My horses, you know, were were flying all over the place. And so 2 of us decided not to walk that show, and everything was fine. But because we a boy caught is, and that's just not something you do.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:37:43

You know? You're not your own a, like, with a with a lot of things. I mean, you know, even working for a company, you can't just blanketly Stacy, I'm not gonna do something. You know, I I get it. I get why we got in trouble. I I think there could have been a different avenue of how we could have approached it. We just basically said, no. We're not gonna walk, and we didn't walk. And we didn't I don't really even remember talking to anybody about it.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:38:04

And so in hindsight, I mean, I don't blame them for getting mad at a, for saying, like, you know, you can't do that. And but they yelled at us or whatever and said, you know, you have to walk. You can't just say you're not gonna walk and be a part of the show. So I remember the next day, we were afraid not to walk. And 2 of us fell, me, and I broke my pelvis. And I was then out of the show for the next two and a half months. So that brought me to that part of my life on the road.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:38:33

Yeah. And so where did Rahm come in the picture in New York? When did it become

Nicole Portwood [: 00:38:38

a thing with you in that time period? Or So I remember him coming to visit in the hospital, but I remember a lot of people coming to visit. And then I remember going home, and I do recall my mom. Ram did call a couple times. And I remember my mom saying again, I don't remember much, but I remember that. She's like, who's that guy that keeps calling? And she meant Ram. And I was like and I distinctly remember saying, oh, that's just Ram. He's nice to everybody. Because even my mom was like, who's that guy who keeps calling you? Does he like you or something? Why does he keep calling? And I said, no.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:39:10

That's just Rom. He's nice to everybody. And that was kind of that. And then I remember having a party because the show had then come to Hartford, so I had my party at my house. And I remember Rom coming, which I was kinda surprised. I a of sort of flippantly told him, oh, you know, I'm having a free roll in my house. Do you wanna come? One of the times that he had called and he actually came, I was like, oh, okay. That's so, I mean, I was starting to get little hints, but at that time, I was actually dating somebody else.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:39:40

I was dating a hometown boy at the time. So it was a little awkward because I remember having this party, and they were both there. And but nothing had gone on with Ram yet. And so it wasn't until I got back on the road, and he continued to show interest and continued to say, oh, do you need to go to the grocery store? Do you need to go do laundry? And it just kind of kept going. But, strangely, it was Life, I had this boyfriend at home, and he actually had a college girlfriend. So we both had. So I think that that kinda helped because, yes, we did a lot together, but we did it as friends. Because I think in, you know, in his mind, he had a girlfriend, and in my mind, I had a boyfriend.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:40:17

And even though people were saying, you know, why does Ron keep asking you out? Like, he has a girlfriend. I'm like, no. We're just we're just doing laundry. Like and that's the way it went on for the the rest of the year, literally until November. So from June, July, August, September, October. So for 6 months, that's all we did was we would just go places as friends. We'd go out for ice cream. We'd go to the diner.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:40:38

We'd do this. And it literally wasn't until November that's when things shifted.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:40:44

And then you kept touring. And did he stay with you then as you toured with well, you stayed on a Gunther Show. Right? The Farewell Tour which was

Nicole Portwood [: 00:40:52

another year. And he was there the following year as well. And when did you know you're gonna marry him? So that year, we obviously it was still a little awkward because, again, this is just another tidbit that people in the real world don't know. So in the circus world, there's a hierarchy, you know, starting with working men, animal crew, clowns, show people, executive people, people in the office, all of that. And and Rom at the time was considered management. And when he got the job years before, like, 2 years before, basically, one of the first things they told him during his interview was you are not to fraternize, and they actually used a stronger word. But you are not to fraternize, and they said showgirls. That's why he kinda was Life, well, they never said girl clowns, but, you are not to fraternize with basically performers.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:41:44

You are not to mix. So that following year when we were actually dating and everyone knew we were dating, we still kind of had to kinda keep it under wraps. He felt very uneasy flaunting it.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:41:57

Yeah. It could because it could threaten his job. Right? And that's a lot of the hierarchy you don't wanna mix. Yeah.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:42:04

You know, he didn't wanna mess anything up, and I don't I didn't blame him except that I was seeing it done elsewhere. So I was kind of Life, well, how come these 2 get a to date and these 2 get to date and these 2 get to date? What are you worried about? Because you're not the only do it. So the following year, it was a little, you know, it was a little sketchy at times, but we definitely, a, by the middle of that next year, definitely knew. And then, he was not going to be staying a 3rd year with the show. Well, he was gonna be staying, but in a different capacity. So that's when things altered. But by then, we were full on dating. And even though we really weren't ready to take a step of commitment, like an engagement, I think we knew that that was coming at some point, but that still didn't come until the following year.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:42:49

A the following year, you got engaged, and you're now married. How long have

Nicole Portwood [: 00:42:52

you been married? 32 years. 32 years. Yeah.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:42:56

And 2 grown a, and it's just such an amazing story to me that how, again, how we and we talked about this once on Facebook, right, on a post that our path can go one direction and start to go, and we think the a close. Right? You thought that your door had closed, so to speak, with a big show, and you kept trying. And then you got on the show at the right time to meet him. And that's where, like, the timing is just so magical, right, that it a your whole life. Like, you're now married for 30 some years. Right? And had you not had you got on the show prior, you don't know where you a maybe would've landed on a different show, right, a different unit.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:43:34

Yeah. I more than likely wouldn't have still been there. I mean, at that time, the average stay for a clown was usually 2 years. I don't know that I, you know, I ended up staying 4, which was definitely longer than what most people do. So I don't know. It's hard to say. All I know is that kind of that that moment, I was Life, oh, this is why I had to wait. You know, waiting is so hard a.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:43:57

But I remember a pastor once said, you know, we see our life a square of the reel of the film at a time. Right? But God knows the entire reel. So it's Life sometimes we just have to take a breath, you know, and realize he's saying, I got a. Just trust me. I'm orchestrating this. You just gotta give me a chance. And I kind of look at that moment as not only wrong. So this is just also for people who are listening who like, your self mastery.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:44:27

Right? I feel like whether you believe in god or not, everything happens for a reason. Like, your life is, you know, a big puzzle, and every piece, especially, like, yes, the corners are important and the border is important. But when you think about your life as a puzzle, the every single piece matters is the grand picture. Right? When the puzzle how many people have done a puzzle and when you get to the end, you realize you're missing a piece. And if you could do it over, you wouldn't even have done that puzzle. You would have been Life, if I had known this, I wouldn't even have done a stupid puzzle. All because of that one piece. So if you can think of life like that, every little bit matters a you you need to see it and realize it and be okay with it that this is happening for a reason.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:45:15

I feel like the weight that I had wasn't even just for Rom. Like, I think that was a huge part of it that, you know, God said, hey. Your soulmate is still in college, so you need to just slow your role right now. And he lived in California, and I lived in Massachusetts. So how else were we gonna meet except for, you know, with the circus? And by the way, our first born a, that's right. He was born on PT Barnum's birthday. But, also, everything that I did in that time that I waited, it built my is. And I now when I go to a a reunion of sorts with clowns, I know so many people because oh, that's right.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:45:51

I did do Circus World. Oh, I know him from Circus World. Oh, that's right. I did Disney. I did oh, that's right. I did Gold Unit. And when people a Life, wow, Nicole, you did a lot of different things. Yeah.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:46:00

I did because I was waiting for you know? And so all of those things, I think, made me a better clown, built my resume. My my resume is so much different because I packed in so many things while I was waiting. So I would say don't wallow. It's really easy to wallow sometimes in self pity when you don't get what you want. Like, again, this dream, like, this was supposed to happen. This if I could've told you how encouraging my instructors were at clown college, Nicole, you're gonna get a contract. Oh, you're gonna get a contract. Oh, you walk stilts.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:46:33

You're gonna do you know, I did yes. Again, I'm a pleaser, a people pleaser. Tell me what I have to do. I'll do it. And I did everything that I was supposed to do. Everything that they said would ensure a contract. I did it. I never I was absent one time.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:46:47

The only critical thing that was told to me at clown college, the one thing they told me you know what they told me? You Life too much. A, that's what they told me. I mean, they meant in a way, like, you need to kinda take things more seriously. But that was the one thing that was told to me. You laugh too much, Nicole. I'm like, okay. Well, guess why? But so to not get a contract, when I say I was devastated, I was like, I thought I was living a a. I was like, no.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:47:12

No. No. No. No. Just like like being in high school. Right? No. No. No.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:47:15

No. No. I did everything right. Like, no. This is not fair. Like, no. No. No.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:47:19

No. No. You told me if I do this, this, and this, I will get a contract, and I did do this, this, and this. So that's even more in the game of life. Right? When you don't do things right, like, yeah, you kinda sometimes have along yourself Self way. A and that's almost easier to take. Right? Like, well, yeah. I could've done that better and I could've done that better.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:47:37

But when you feel like you do everything right and it still doesn't work out, that is when it can be very, very frustrating. But that's when you just need to be Life, alright. Take a breath. This is happening for a reason. This is part of my puzzle. I have to make this work. I have to because 10 years from now, I'm gonna be kicking myself that I didn't say, oh, see? That that's why that happened. We just have to trust.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:48:01

Sometimes we just have to trust the process, and it's hard.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:48:05

Trust is a big part of it. Right? And and then even as you continue down the road, things change, and your path goes different directions. Right? So, eventually, you left the Circus, and then but you kept clowning. So let's talk about that because I think that you're you're making some really valid points that our journey is our journey, and it has a purpose, and it has a reason. We can go on these side paths, and we still continue to grow and expand. And you did so many things that when you left the show, you weren't done. Right? And so as you left the show, when how was Maggie born? What what happened with Maggie?

Nicole Portwood [: 00:48:40

So when I left the show, again, because I'd had prior experience doing what we kinda call hometown clowning, the birthday parties, the corporate events, you know, that kind of thing. I went right into that. So I went to school full time. You know, again, I had not finished my college career. I had not even started my college career. So I was 26 when I got married, and I knew that I had time to go to college. So, again, I'm a planner. So check out check it off the list.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:49:06

I said, no. I'm gonna go to college first. I wanna get my bachelor's degree before I start a family and all that jazz. It was deciding what I wanted to go to college for. And somebody said to me, you know, Nicole, you have all of these theatrical things as as this part of your resume. You kinda need to build your other part of your resume. You need to show people that you actually have something else academically going on for you other than, you know, your theatrical background with your show show stuff, performing background. So I said, that's a good point.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:49:35

And they said, but if you think you wanna keep clowning, then why don't you choose business as a degree? So I chose business marketing, and I ended up graduating from Cal State Hayward with my bachelor of science in, marketing. Summa cum laude, by the way. Because, again, I'm a good student, so I graduated with almost a 4 point o. And I continued to clown all during that Life, and I was teaching workshops and, you know, knew that as somebody that was about to have kids, I was like, oh, you know, this is gonna actually work out really nicely because I can be a stay at home mom Monday through Friday a clown on the weekends when Rome is home. And I I did the math. And at the time, if I had tried to get a job in marketing, when all was said and done with day care and all of that, I would have been making the same amount of money. So I was Life, by that time, I had really established myself in the Bay Area of San Francisco, and I was clowning, like, full time on weekends. So I I said, well, that would be a stupid.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:50:31

Who wants to work 5 days a week when you only have to work 2 days a week? So I continued that all through, you know, my kids growing up. I got to be a stay at home mom, and I clowned full time. Then when we moved back here to A, where my family was about 15 years ago, my kids were 7 and 11 at that time. So, you know, they weren't babies anymore. And so, that's when the substitute teaching came is. Because, you know, obviously, I liked kids, and I thought, oh, this is a good during the week kind of job a started substitute teaching. So I've been doing that for, like, 12 to 13 years and then clowning on the weekends. So, again, it's been a great little way to make a living and still not work full full time.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:51:12

So it's it's been nice.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:51:13

And then you evolved even a, even more recently, into the EMT role. So what's that about? Like, how did that even happen? Because the the difference between clowning and EMT, like, you're on two ends of the spectrum. Right? A is you're bringing joy and fun and play, and the other is you're you're attending to people who are sick a in emergency or ill. A, I mean, I'm sure, you know, you bring a lot of light to the a, but how did that actually come about?

Nicole Portwood [: 00:51:40

During COVID, everything shut down. So my husband and I also started doing Airbnb out of our home about 8 years ago because we live in a an area that, there's a lot of antique fairs that go on. And so we had started to do it. Actually, it was supposed to be more of a clowning thing. I was gonna have people come and stay at my house and do clowning, workshops, but I wanted to have a opportunity for them to be able to, you know, stay here, like, as a bed and breakfast. And it that a, again, you know, what I started it out to be is not what it ended up to be. And the Airbnb took off, and I thought, well, why am I gonna have to train people all day long when I can make the same amount of money just changing sheets on a bed that takes me 20 a? Then so at the time of COVID, I was doing Airbnb. I was subbing, and I was clowning.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:52:27

I had 3 jobs that kept me very is. And, you know, I had a decent, lucrative paycheck, between the 3 of those. And then COVID happened in all three of those jobs. I lost all three of those jobs in one day. And I was like, okay. Well, you know, I got the the pay Life everybody else for the, you know, whatever, March through September, but then school opened again in September in a very different way, masks and separated classrooms and all that. But I did go back to subbing, but it was not I was like, oh, this is not fun. This is not fun at all.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:53:02

But I did it until about Christmas time. So I did it for about 4 months. But all during that time, I'm like, if I'm gonna work full time, which I kinda was working full time, I'm not happy about going to work every day. So it was about Christmas time, and I actually saw a commercial on TV for an earn while you learn EMT program. And I quickly got out my iPad and I was looking up the company and I was looking up what the requirements to be an EMT, and then everybody in my family has gone through an EMT program. I was the last one to become an EMT. They they all did EMT stuff for other reasons. But so my brother was explaining to me, yeah, like, there's BLS level, the basic a, or the paramedic level.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:53:42

You'll start out as a BLS, and it's really not you know, it's really CPR and not much beyond that. And and when the calls come is to dispatch, you know, they'd only dispatch BLS if it's a BLS call, you know, so you don't have to worry about anything that you aren't equipped to do and. So he he assured me that, you know, yeah, once you go through the program, you'll know what to do and. So I a, and even though I knew I was older, I was 55 years old, I knew I was a. And but I knew they couldn't tell me I was too old to do the job. I think as long as I can do everything physically, they're not gonna be able to say I can't do the job. And it turned out that I I did fine. I have no problem kneeling on the ground.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:54:22

I have no a. I didn't have any problem physically. They only require you, to lift £75, which I can do. It's that's not a problem. I'm very physically fit because of my clowning. And so I got through the program, and once again, never was absent, never failed a test. I passed my EMT accreditation on the first try and, which, again, I was scared because I do have bad a. But, thankfully, 3 months stayed in my brain.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:54:48

And I did. I became an EMT, and and I worked full time. So part of getting that earn while you learn program is they require you to then work for that company full time for at least a year contract, which, again, I'm used to signing contracts. I signed contracts with the show all the time, and I take contracts seriously. But I stuck with it, and that was the thing. Like, there were parts of the job that, you know, we were primarily a transport a, and that's where I think the clowning because laughter is the best medicine. And I was not in emergency situations. Most of my 40 hour week, I was not in we would only me, personally, if I did 2 or 3 a ones a week, that was, like, that was a big week.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:55:28

And with the the city in which I worked in, we were what you would consider, like, 3rd string a. So we weren't the primary 911. It would go to another company if they were is. And then if they were busy, then it would come to us. So it's not that we didn't get 91 ones, but they were what I would consider kind of very low grade a ones, either frequent flyers, drunks, Sykes. It wasn't somebody bleeding to death, in other words. So in in that job, I was very much able to use my clowning because these people were not dying. You know? They they might have not been in a in a comfortable situation, but they weren't dying or anything.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:56:05

So my partners, in fact, always a to say, Nicole, tell them what you do is your real job. I'm like, these poor people don't wanna know that I'm actually a professional clown. But it would come up because of my age. They would always ask how long I'd been doing it because they anticipated I was gonna say 20 or 30 years that I've been an EMT. And I'm like, oh, I don't know. A couple months? They were like, no, sir. You're joking. And I'm like, no.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:56:28

I'm not really joking. I've really only been doing this for a couple months. But I was definitely very inspiring for a lot of people, not only fellow EMTs that saw somebody who, at my age, was willing to try something that, yeah, to a lot of people would be very scary. There's a lot of components to being an EMT. Driving. Driving with lights and sirens. Having to be calm under pressure. You know, I just I mean, I can go on and on.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:56:57

Mastery the stuff was not an issue for me, and I really, really did enjoy it. And for me, it was a full circle thing because I was, remember, supposed to be a nurse. So when people would ask me, I said, well, it took me 40 years to get here, but I'm finally doing what I was supposed to do 40 years ago. And it would really be very inspirational to people. They're like, wow. So it really is never too late to really do what you really wanna do. And I'm like, no. Absolutely not.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:57:28

I'm living proof of that.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:57:30

Absolutely. Absolutely. So as we wrap up a little bit, let's talk about self mastery because, obviously, that's what we are talking about in the show a lot. And I'm curious for you. When it comes to self mastery, Nicole, how do you stay fresh in your clowning? Because you a is mentions in your bio that you continue to improve yourself. And, obviously, through all a the journey that you've taken, you've been on this road of clowning for years years years. You pursued dreams even beyond, like you you like you said, came full circle with the nursing to the EMT. As you just mentioned, it's never too late to continue to pursue your dreams or continue to grow and do the things.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:58:11

And I see that in you that you're continually striving even after doors shut, even after being told no, even after feeling like you've done everything right. And most people would, at that point, shut down, and they would say, well, I can't do anything right. I'm just doomed to be what I am and and not, you know, go any further with is. Yet you have continued to pursue and grow. So I'm curious from your standpoint. What do you do now, even as a on a daily basis or on a, you know, normal basis with your clowning or anything like that to continue to grow for yourself?

Nicole Portwood [: 00:58:43

In the clowning world, there's a lot of avenues that you can always be learning new skills, and and we have the computer at our fingertips. So you can pretty much YouTube anything. If you see somebody doing something, you can say, hey. I think I wanna learn that, and you can YouTube it. Back in the day, we would buy books. But, you know, if I see somebody doing something that I'm like, oh, that's really cool. Like, even just in the last 5 years, I've learned how to play ukulele so that I can, you know, add that to my repertoire. If I saw somebody doing puppetry, and I was like, oh, I really wanna learn how to do more, you know, ventriloquism, whatever.

Nicole Portwood [: 00:59:17

So I try to always have new things. In in my world of clowning, it's really easy to incorporate new things because when I do my show, I have so much in my show Life magic and juggling, and I can always throw something else in there, storytelling. Again, puppetry, my ukulele. So for me, it's really easy to kinda see something that I was like, oh, that looks like fun. I think I'll learn how to do that. I think my ADHD has really helped me. I'm lucky that I found a job that has so much variety because it's it's a constant, like, oh, and I love to sew. So when I if I'm not doing something physically, I can say, oh, let me make a new costume because I just saw this flowered material I want, you know and my brain is always like, oh, that looks like fun.

Nicole Portwood [: 01:00:04

Oh, that look it's it's constant squirrels in my brain. Maybe that's my self mastery is that I'm just fortunate that I see something and it looks fun and exciting, and I just wanna do it.

Stacy Yardley [: 01:00:15

That's exactly what I'm hearing, Nicole. And the fact I love the fact that you are self aware that you're saying, oh, I have this ADHD. And, again, some people would use that as a crutch of, like, I have ADHD, so I can't x, y, z, or this stops me because I have this, this, whatever this is for them. And yet for you, you're saying, I just follow the fun. I do what brings me joy. And that, even from the beginning of this whole story, you know, this whole episode of what we're talking about, in in the beginning, you said that's what led you to clowning. I was like, a that looks fun, and you continue to seek the fun and follow your heart and follow the joy. And I think that's a very key point in self mastery is that it doesn't have to be drudgery.

Stacy Yardley [: 01:00:54

It doesn't have to be painful. It can be fun and enjoyable, and that's really what can light you up. And that's what you've done is you continue to follow the fun. You take action. You learn. You're like, okay. I see this. This looks fun.

Stacy Yardley [: 01:01:07

I'll try is, And you go in with that attitude of learning versus the the opposite of, like, I can't do that. I'm too old, or I have ADHD, or I have this or that. It's gonna hold me back. And so I think that a a key role in self a. And I just wanna applaud you for that because I think it's rare for, you know, people to just naturally spin things into fun and, like you said, see things that happen for a reason and the positivity. And I think that's why we got along so great as roommates is we have that similarity, right, and seeing the flip side of each coin. Because there are 2 sides to each coin. Right? And we did experience a lot of the negative, but there's the positive too.

Stacy Yardley [: 01:01:45

So it's such a beautiful journey. It makes the journey that much more colorful and joyful and just very clownlike. Right? Very clownlike. So as we close-up, Nicole, I'm Circus. What closing advice might you give to someone who is pursuing a dream?

Nicole Portwood [: 01:02:04

I mean, I think my whole life, It's my way of staying positive. It's like, okay. I realize I'm a realist. I am. And I realize that this might not work. I always try to have, like I think that's what helps me not to end up wallowing because it's Life, okay. Because I had to learn at a very early stage of my life that your life is going to throw you curveballs, I e not getting a contract when you had a 100% positivity that you thought you were going to do that. And and I I will credit my mom with just, you know, when I got home a I was wallowing, and I remember her taking out the phone book and slamming it on the table.

Nicole Portwood [: 01:02:54

And she said, you are Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus Clown College graduate. Find a job. I remember her doing that because she was trying to say, look. You have something to offer. So what are you sitting there crying about? And maybe that's, you know, everybody has something to offer. So your plan a might not work, but you are valuable. You are loved. You are an amazing a, human on this earth.

Nicole Portwood [: 01:03:21

And that's what I would tell people in in the back of my ambulance who would be at their worst. Like you said, the worst of their worst for whatever reason. And I would say, you are loved. I love you. And they would, like, just look at me. I'm like, no. I love you. You are loved.

Nicole Portwood [: 01:03:35

You are a valued person in this world. You know, god's not gonna take you out until he's good and ready to take you out. So until then, you have a reason. You have a purpose for being here. So until then, figure it out. Figure out why you are here because you're here for a reason. So figure it out.

Stacy Yardley [: 01:03:53

Absolutely. I love that. Figure it out. Awesome, Nicole. Great advice. And so how can people find you? Where would they follow you is they wanna follow you or connect with you? How would they do that?

Nicole Portwood [: 01:04:04

I mean, I'm old, so I'm not, like I don't do Instagram or YouTube a, but I do have my web page, a, and that is also my Facebook page. All of my events are posted on Facebook so they can at least check out some of the things that I do and all of that. So

Stacy Yardley [: 01:04:22

A. And we'll put your page in the show notes. They'll find you there. So thank you, Nicole, for this time together and for sharing your story and so many truths and so much value and just wisdom. I really appreciate you, and I'm grateful that our paths crossed all those many years ago and continue, thanks to social media, to continue to align and crisscross along the way. It's been good.

Nicole Portwood [: 01:04:45

Yes. Love you.

Stacy Yardley [: 01:04:47

Yes. I love you, and I hope everyone's enjoyed this. And we'll see you next week. Thank you for joining me on this episode of Life is a Circus, so let's step into self mastery. I hope you found inspiration and valuable insights to carry with you on your journey. If you enjoyed today's episode, please share it with a friend and subscribe or follow wherever you're listening. Remember, in the circus of life, the greatest show is the one you create for yourself. Until next time, keep embracing your dreams and stepping into self mastery.

Stacy Yardley [: 01:05:25

Take care, and I'll see you next Tuesday.