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Stacy Yardley [: 00:00:10

Have you ever felt like no matter how hard you try, you're just not enough? In this episode, I'm taking you behind the scenes of my circus days, where the pressure to maintain show weight wasn't just about appearance, it was about survival. But that's not where the story ends. I'll dive into how this relentless pursuit of perfection led me to rethink what health and self worth truly mean. Join me as I unravel the struggles of living in the spotlight, confront the hidden battles with body image, and discover how self mastery goes beyond the scale. Ready to find out how embracing our bodies as they are can transform our lives? Let's step into this journey together. Welcome to life as a circus. So let's step into self mastery, where we explore the balancing act of unlocking your inner potential while navigating life's chaos. I'm Stacy Yardley, your host, a former circus showgirl turned transformational life coach.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:01:16

If you're juggling multiple roles or responsibilities and feeling like life is a circus, you are in the right place. Join me each week for captivating tales from my circus days and insights on realizing your dreams. Whether you're an entrepreneur, business owner, or an aspiring leader, this podcast is your guide to self mastery. So grab your top hat and let's step into the greatest show of all, the circus of life. Ready to embark on this transformative journey together? Let's begin. The circus. Life was a dream. Traveling through breathtaking landscapes by train, performing in front of large crowds, and living a life that so few get to experience - it was exhilarating.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:02:09

But beneath the surface, behind the bright lights and the applause, was an internal battle within me that felt never ending. Being a San Diego native, I had never traveled outside of my state, except across the southern border and once to Nevada. So having the opportunity to see places I'd only heard about all while aboard a circus train, was a once in a lifetime experience I couldn't pass up. The train was a mile long and could sometimes go where cars couldn't. We would traverse mountain sides, valley deserts, and the Midwest plains. Every week we'd be in a new major metropolitan city. With a few exceptions, like New York City, the Pacific Northwest was one of my favorite regions of the country that we visited. As we drove through those dense forests during the autumn season, it felt like I was watching a live painting come to life.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:03:11

The trees were on fire with bright oranges, reds, and yellows, and the air was crisp. It was absolutely stunning. But there was a nagging ache within me, all that beauty. But I had no one special to share it with. I was surrounded by people, yet I felt alone. As the days counted down. Towards the end of the season and my contract terminal, I couldn't shake the pressure to lose weight. It seemed like every day the pressure grew, and so did my obsession with getting that number on the scale to go down.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:03:55

Every Saturday morning, we'd step on that scale during our mandatory weigh in. My heart would pound, my breath would shorten, and for a few seconds, I'd hold on to a sliver of hope. But each time, that hope would vanish as the needle landed on a number that was too high, a constant reminder that no matter how hard I worked, my body was betraying me. I turned to my journal to process it all in exactly 60 days. Two months, I'm going to be home, and I have a feeling it's just gonna fly right by. It's been sort of a slow day. I started running stairs tonight. I hope this time for real, I can stick to it.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:04:47

I really want to look good when I go home, and I'm really gonna try hard, really hard. Oh, there's been a switch up for the week, too. I'm doing web on the front track next to Christina and Meta or Gabby, depending on the show because of the arena we're in. My web was in the rigging, so they took the n track webs down over in ring one. I don't mind, really, and I did pretty good tonight, but I kind of felt like a donkey next to two thoroughbreds. Working in the circus meant sharing the spotlight with women from all over the world, women who had been training their entire lives for aerial acrobatics. They weren't just any women, either. They were stunning, thin, and incredibly athletic.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:05:46

Their grace made me feel even more awkward in my five foot seven frame. With my thick dancer thighs and wide hips. It was impossible not to compare myself to them. They seemed to float through the air while I felt weighed down not just by my own body, but by the overwhelming sense of inadequacy backstage. I would look at them and then at myself in the mirror and begin to pick apart what I saw in my reflection, knowing I could never be like them, no matter how hard I tried. My self esteem was taking hit after hit, and the harder I worked to lose weight, the more it felt like I was failing. I'd started running up and down the hundreds of steep cement stairs inside the arenas, wearing rubber pants, hoping to sweat off any extra water weight, much like a wrestler cutting weight before a match. I was desperate for results but no matter how hard I pushed, the scale just wouldn't budge.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:07:03

It was like my body was fighting back, but I just kept pushing back. I had to be thinner because if I didn't get control of that number on the scale, I could be docked from performing, or worse, fired for it. I continued to journal my thoughts. 57 more days. I had insomnia last night. I don't know why. Just a lot on my mind, I guess. I've had a very good day, and I'm proud of myself because I still have been running stairs tonight.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:07:42

I ran even though I really didn't want to, but I did anyway. And afterwards, I did sit ups. I kind of put a little bit of weight on, but I'm trying to lose it. I really, really want to get it off. I just feel so damn fat. I hate it. I made a goal for myself. If I can keep this exercise up for two more months.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:08:10

Work every day. Train runs are impossible to work out on. But if I work out every day in the arena and I look the way I want to, then I'll buy myself a white leather outfit for coming home. Like a reward Christmas present. I want to buy a white leather skirt and a white fringe leather jacket. I'd say that's a good $300 reward. Now I hope I can do it. Even on performance days, when we had two or three shows, I pushed myself to work out.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:08:50

I couldn't let myself off the hook. My expectations were so high and the pressure was on and the frustration was building. I'd pour it all out in my journal, hoping that by writing it out, I'd find some kind of relief. Well, I'm still running stairs, even on Saturday, and there's a three show day today. I'm proud of myself for that fact. But I've also disappointed myself because I've eaten a lot today or tonight. Actually, five days later, I was still pushing myself. While I'm proud of myself for working out, it's getting harder and harder to keep going.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:09:44

But I'm trying to stick with it. I just want to see some results, and it's frustrating. By the time we reached the midwest, I had been pushing myself hard for weeks and was running on fumes, physically and emotionally. I got a short break when I had a chance to see some family I hadn't seen in years when they came to the show. And for a moment, I could step out of my own head and just be in the moment. But that peace didn't last long. The real storm hit when we left Des Moines. Iowa, heading to Cedar Rapids.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:10:29

I documented what happened. Well, we're in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and the past three days seem to drag on. Let me take a quick run back on what happened Saturday. It was a bad morning, a bad weigh in especially. I weighed in at 138, and my show weight is 125. I was 13 pounds over, and that's bad news. Later, during the last show, Etalyn, our head showgirl, tells me I have a meeting with her and Philip, the performance director, during the animal acts. Then I'm told by Philip that I can't work the next day on Sunday, and I have to lose at least three pounds by Tuesday.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:11:27

When we get to Cedar Rapids, where I'll have to weigh in before the show, I'm feeling pretty down about it. Then on Sunday, I go to work and took a shower, and Philip wouldn't let me stay in the building. It's humiliating on the part that everyone knows. But then again, tell me something that will surprise me. I don't care. All I know is there's four and a half weeks left, and I'm going to stick it out and do what I can do. And after that, it's back to normal life, whatever that is. I said I didn't care.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:12:12

But the truth was, I cared a lot. Even though I was ready to leave the circus and there were only a few weeks left in the season, the last thing I wanted was to be fired over my weight. And the fear hung over me like a dark storm cloud. I had 72 hours, just three days, to drop three pounds, and the pressure was suffocating. It wasn't just a challenge. It was a battle. So I braced myself to do whatever it took to stay. I had worked too hard to fail now.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:12:53

And yet, with every minute that passed, the doubt crept in. Could I do it? Could I really push my body to the brink once again? The circus season was almost over, but the idea of being sent home in disgrace felt unbearable. I had no choice. I had to win this battle. Looking back, I wonder if I ever really understood what it was that I was fighting for. Was it my place in the circus? My self worth? Or was I simply chasing a version of myself that I thought I had to be? That weight on the scale represented more than just a number. It carried every fear, every insecurity that I had dragged with me across the country and through my entire life. It's hard to say why my weight had gone up so fast in just a couple of months.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:14:01

I wasn't overeating. If anything, I was over exercising. We didn't have personal trainers or experts to consult, and it was up to each woman to meet the unrealistic standards on her own. And this was the late eighties, long before we had access to today's wealth of health information via the Internet. While I may have been putting on muscle due to the workouts, my body was sending signals that I was pushing it too hard because the scale wasn't reflecting my efforts. Or so I thought. I suspect my liver was compromised by the hepatitis I had had just months earlier, and the extreme exercise contributed to that number going up. Nevertheless, maintaining my show weight felt like carrying around a ton of bricks.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:14:57

Emotionally, I had to hit the mark because in my world, there were real consequences. That fear of being docked for performing, or even fired was heavy. And if you've ever felt like you needed to be smaller, better, or different just to keep your place in the world, you know exactly what that feels like for a performer. Your body is always on display, always being judged. And I felt it deeply. And I know this is a struggle many women face, whether they're in the spotlight or nothing. That pressure isn't limited to the stage. It's in every room we walk into, every instagram post, every quick fix diet.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:15:49

The message is clear, even if it's in a subliminal way. You need to look a certain way in order to be enough. And this struggle doesn't care who you are or where you come from. No matter your size, shape, or age, the insecurities still creep in. The pressure to be enough is something that we all face in different ways, whether on stage, in the boardroom, or at home. That relentless voice telling you you're falling short. I've been there, and you're not alone. Maybe you've had those moments, too, where you look in the mirror and feel like no matter what you've achieved, its not enough.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:16:38

You've worked hard, taken care of yourself. Yet there's still a nagging voice telling you that youre falling short. I want you to know ive been there. And again, you're not alone in this battle. In the years since I was living in the circus life, we've had some progress when it comes to body positivity. In fact, body positivity is a movement now, and for many, it's become a source of empowerment. More and more, women are learning to embrace their bodies as they are beautiful, strong, and capable, regardless of size, shape, or age. And yet, I know that there's an undercurrent that still exists, the whisper that tells us you're not enough.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:17:31

We may have made strides in acceptance. But those whispers are hard to silence, even for the strongest among us. And while these conversations about body positivity are important, I want to take it further and talk about health. Not the kind that's been weaponized as a reason to lose weight, but holistic health. Health that goes deeper than the scale. For years, I confused losing weight with gaining worth. I thought that if I could just be smaller, then I'd be better. But health isn't about pushing your body into submission, whether that be through a diet or exercising, or both.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:18:20

It's about caring for it in ways that help you thrive mentally, physically, and emotionally. And that's where so many of us get caught up in the trap. We forget that health is holistic. It's not just about fitting into a certain size. It's about feeling good, having energy, being strong, and more importantly, having peace of mind. If I could go back and talk to that younger version of myself, I'd tell her that her body isn't her enemy. It's her vessel. It's the thing that carries her through life.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:19:05

And it deserves love and care, not judgment and harshness. And I'd share the same message with you today. If you're struggling with your body or feeling like it's not enough, know this. You don't have to treat your body like a project to be fixed. You can start to build a relationship with it that's based on care, respect, and love. One thing that has helped me, and something that I did during my experience with breast cancer, was shifting my focus from what my body looked like to what it could do. I began to focus on its strength, its resilience, and its ability to heal. So here's what I want you to do.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:19:57

Take a moment to reflect on how incredible your body actually is. What has it carried you through? What has it healed from? Start there, and then let that be your focus rather than the number on the scale. I know if you're in pain or dealing with chronic illness like an autoimmune disease, it can seem like you're never going to heal. But trust me, when you focus on what your body can do rather than what it can't, you empower it rather than shame or blame it. Remember, you are your body. Shaming and blaming your body for how you feel is a direct attack on yourself. At the time of this recording, I'm 54 years old. And let me tell you, things just aren't what they used to be.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:20:57

I, too, deal with an autoimmune disease. And like I said, I'm a breast cancer survivor. But here's the beautiful part. Instead of getting mad at my body for not performing the way I want it to, I've learned to listen to it, ask for what it needs, and approach it with love and compassion. The body I have now might not be as fast, as strong, or as flexible as it was in my circus days, but it's wise. And I've learned that when I take time to listen to it, it teaches me so much. And you can experience this, too. Looking back, I realize how disconnected I was from my body back then.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:21:48

The pressure to stay thin and perform took me further away from myself, and for years I perpetuated that disconnect through chronic dieting and self criticism. This disconnect is something many of us experience, whether through trauma, self hate, or simply believing we're not enough. But our journey, whether it's trying to be thinner, fitter, or dealing with illness and aging, it's a chance to reconnect. It's a chance to honor our bodies for what they can do, not constantly push them to meet someone else's expectations, or even our own unrealistic ones, for that matter. For me, I've learned to appreciate where I am, and perhaps it's because I'm feeling more embodied these days. There's something sacred about this time in my life, and for any of you who are feeling like you're aging out in society's eyes, or maybe even your own, I want you to know that this can be the best time of your life. You're free from those old pressures and expectations. You get to write your own rules now, and it starts with asking your body what it needs, listening to the wisdom that it's been holding for you all along.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:23:20

It took some time, but now I've learned to ask my body what it needs, rather than trying to force it to do what I think it should. And when I listen, I find that my body is wise. It's always trying to tell me something. I just have to be willing to listen and accept what it's saying. For those of you dealing with pain or illness, I get it. I know how frustrating it can be when your body doesn't work the way it used to or the way you want it to. But here's the thing. Aging, chronic pain, an illness, they're all parts of life, and our bodies aren't always going to function the way we want them to.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:24:09

But instead of fighting against our bodies and getting mad at them for not being the way they used to be, what if we started asking them what they need? What if we appreciated our bodies with love and compassion and allowed them to teach us? This is what I've learned over the years, that the mind body connection is vital to self mastery. If we want to truly thrive, we have to be connected to ourselves. But many of us have spent years disconnected from our bodies, dissociating after years of self hate, self abuse or self deprecation. It's time to change that story. It's time to treat our bodies with the respect they deserve and to care for them in ways that support the lives that we want to live. So I want to invite you to reflect on where you are in your body journey right now. Whether you're dealing with the changes that come with aging, navigating chronic pain, or just feeling disconnected from your body, or not good enough, ask yourself, what does your body need from you today? And more importantly, what is it trying to tell you? When we listen to our bodies, we come back into wholeness and we reclaim our power. We stop fighting against ourselves, and we start moving in harmony with the wisdom we carry within.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:25:52

And that is what I want for each one of us. Where in your life are you still allowing outside voices, whether it's society, media, or even your own inner critic, to define your worth? What are the stories you've been telling yourself about your body and how it performs day to day? And more importantly, are those stories serving you? Or are they holding you back from living with more inner peace? As you move forward from here, I challenge you to take one step towards rebuilding or renewing your relationship with your body. Maybe it's changing the way you speak to yourself, or maybe it's taking time to rest when your body asks for it. If you're dealing with pain or illness, allow yourself to approach that with compassion rather than frustration. This week, create a plan for how you'll care for your body. Not by pushing it harder, but by listening to what it needs. Write down three things that you can do to nourish it. Whether it's movement, rest, or something else, your body is wise and it's time to start listening.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:27:16

You might even pull out your journal and write a letter to yourself from your body. Ask it what it needs from you. Then allow your hand to write whatever comes up without judgment. Lastly, just remember, at the end of the day, your worth is not defined by your age, your health, or how your body looks. It's in who you are, and no one can take that from you. So today, let's choose to honor the wisdom of our bodies, to treat them with love and care and to step into this next chapter of life with grace, strength and compassion. Thank you for joining me on this episode of Life is a circus, so let's step into self mastery. I hope you found inspiration and valuable insights to carry with you on your journey.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:28:15

If you enjoyed today's episode, please share it with a friend and subscribe or follow wherever you're listening. Remember, in the circus of life, the greatest show is the one you create for yourself. Until next time, keep embracing your dreams and stepping into self mastery. Take care and I'll see you next Tuesday.