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Stacy Yardley [: 00:00:08

It can be exciting when you answer the call to your dreams, but it can also be very scary as you find yourself venturing into the unknown. Today, you'll get a real time account of what happened when I answered the call after my audition as I share excerpts from my personal journal, and then we'll talk about what you can do when you find yourself in the space between fear and courage. Are you ready? Let's dive in. A to Life is a Circus. So let's step into self mastery, where we explore the balancing act of unlocking your inner potential while navigating life's chaos. I'm Stacy Yardley, your host, a former circus showgirl turned transformational life coach. If you're juggling multiple roles or responsibilities and feeling like life is a circus, you are in the right place. Join me each week for captivating tales from my circus days and insights on realizing your dreams.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:01:13

Whether you're an entrepreneur, business owner, or an aspiring leader, this podcast is your guide to self mastery. So grab your top hat, and let's step into the greatest show of all, the circus of life. Ready to embark on this transformative journey together? Let's begin. After my audition to be a dancer for the circus, life continued to unfold with the sole mission to enjoy the summer in Southern California. Trips to the beach, late night phone calls with friends, and the hunt for weekend parties is what filled the majority of my days. There would be moments of daydreaming of what life would be like if I actually did join the circus and what it would mean for me moving forward. And while it was something that I really wanted, I just tried to move on with my life and not worry about it too much. I simply told myself, if it's meant to be, it will be.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:02:12

Eventually, a call did indeed come, and I was told I made it. I was offered a contract for a showgirl position for the following season that would begin in December. But before we went any further, my mom interceded for me and questioned the show director on what life would be like for me as I traveled by train and performed on the show. She wanted to know all the details regarding where I would sleep, eat, and live, and if it would be safe. While I was 18 years old a a legal adult, I was still under her roof and had only recently graduated high school. She felt protective over me and wanted to make sure I was making the best decision when it came to traveling on the road. After a long conversation and getting all of her questions answered, my mom gave her stamp of approval. Now all that was left to do was sign the contract, and off I'd go in a few months to join the biggest and most famous circus there was for an adventure of a lifetime and to fulfill my dream.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:03:11

As the summer faded into fall, many of my friends began to settle into their new adult lives of going to college, working office jobs, or simply going about their days trying to figure out what they wanted to do with their Life, but not me. I knew what I was doing. I was joining the circus. With a few months to go, before I actually left for the show, many of my days were spent working part time in retail at the local mall and spending time with my friends, partying, and just enjoying life at 18 years old. As my departure grew closer, I decided to start journaling my experience, as writing was a way of processing many of the big emotions I so often had. Well, 2 weeks from now, I'll be in Florida. It's really hard to believe. I mean, it just seems so far away still.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:04:00

It's still so hard to believe that in 2 weeks, I'll begin living my dream. I'm scared. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm going to fail. You know? I just get scared of being rejected. Like, I get scared they're going to say, you need to lose weight or you're out. I'm also scared to be out there on my own. It's hard to believe that I'm actually going to be away from this whole scene, away from my parents, my friends, my home. I know it's going to be hard, but I think I can do it.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:04:30

I'm excited too. I'm actually going to be riding elephants. I can't believe is. And I'll be seeing the Stacy and get paid for it all. It's great. Today, I did a lot of preparing. Mom and I packed things up that I was sure I wasn't going to take. It was kind of hard.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:04:51

I didn't really show it on the outside, but inside, part of me was sad to see some of my stuff get packed away, like stuff Tyler, my ex boyfriend, gave me. I packed all that away, except Wubby, his childhood teddy bear. I didn't pack that because I'm a take it with me. I'm gonna miss Tyler a lot. It makes me wonder where I'll be in a year, if I'm gonna stay with the circus or come home or go to school or what. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. Anyway, I just wanted to write down some thoughts. It's hard sometimes.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:05:30

I really do get scared, happy, excited, sad, and anxious all at the same time. This was it. Opportunity had presented itself, and I was ready to step into the path less traveled and go after my dreams. Little did I know that what I thought would be a dream would also have elements of a nightmare. I was young, naive, and full of hope and ambition. I was also insecure, needy, and desperate for someone to love me, a powerful and almost deadly mix for an 18 year old out on her own chasing a dream. Over the next couple of weeks, I prepared my mind and my heart the best I could, but I had no way of knowing what was ahead of me except for a hell of an adventure. You know, it's just so hard to believe that in 3 days, my life will be totally changing.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:06:24

All that I have now will soon be behind me. Tears flow down my cheek when I think about it. I'm scared, not necessarily scared of failing as much anymore, but scared of being alone. I'm excited though, and I am doing what I want to do. But it's hard, you know, Leaving the ones you love, even though I will be going to do great and exciting things, it's just sad. Tomorrow night will be the last night that I get to party with my friends for a long time. See, I told Tyler that I'd spend Saturday night with him. I know it will be so hard to say goodbye to him, and I don't think I will ever say goodbye completely.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:07:06

I can't. I'm still too much in love with him. I still hope that someday we will meet again after I've been gone, and we've both grown, and I hope we'll fall in love all over again. I just care so much. I know it's going to be so very, very hard for me to leave. Same goes for Deb and Sarah and Tom. There are so many memories that it's going to be hard to just say goodbye, you know, a of miles a, and I won't necessarily be able to pick up the phone and just say, Hey, what's up? Well, there goes some more tears. I don't understand why it has to be so hard.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:07:46

My world is changing so fast before my eyes. I really feel like I'm growing up. It just feels so strange. Always before, I'd just dream, dream about moving or being out on my own. Sometimes it feels like some people could really give a damn whether you're leaving or not. It's that, or they're just trying to protect themselves from getting hurt. I don't know. It's like when I was on the phone tonight with Tom, I said, Tell everyone I'm sorry I'm not there.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:08:16

I wish I could be. And he said, I really don't think they'll care. I just said, Yeah, I know. And just shit like that a sometimes makes me wonder. It makes me wonder if they really don't care. I know they do. It's just hard sometimes when they don't really understand that the reason you're leaving them is to pursue a dream that you've worked for all your life. I'm actually going to live out one of my dreams.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:08:44

It hurts sometimes when people don't know how much something really means to you. I remember when Tyler and Life, my best friend, both didn't understand why dancing meant so much to me. Then when I got my solo in the Christmas show my senior year, I think they really started to realize how much it really did mean to me. I love dancing. I just feel so free from worry and free from everything when I dance. When I dance, there isn't anything to worry a, except maybe what step is next, or hitting that pirouette right on, or getting my leap strong a, but that's it. And when you have a feeling like that, it's just too important to you to not let go of it, or any dreams of it. Going after our dreams can be really scary, but so can living a mediocre life because it leaves us feeling unfulfilled and unsatisfied as we subdue our soul's desires.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:09:43

I was in a space between my past and my future. Well, 20 hours from now, I'm gone. I never thought it would be so hard like this. I mean, already, I'm hurting by saying goodbye to my friends. Last night, Deb, Sarah, and Tom threw a party for me. It was a lot of fun, too much almost. I'm really a to miss the all the party crowd. But like I said before, it's for me that I'm leaving.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:10:15

Tom said something last night that a stuck is my head. He said, Stace, I know you're gonna make it. You know, people say, oh, she'll be back. She'll only be able to handle a few months, then she'll be back. But I know they're wrong, Stace. I know you're going to prove them wrong. I know he's right there. I know this will be a struggle for me, and it will hurt, but I am a star on the Life, as my friend, Ross, put it.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:10:48

Ross is such a great guy. I know I'll miss him too. I know I'll miss everyone, but I have to. It's my choice. Anyway, like I said before, only 20 more hours a my life starts to change. God, it's so scary. It really is, but I can do it. I just have to keep telling myself that.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:11:12

I can do it. The next day, I woke up at 5 AM, unable to sleep, feeling like a child on Christmas morning. I had my bags packed and headed out the door without any breakfast because I was too nervous to eat. My mom drove me to the airport and assisted me to a ticket counter, where I checked in my oversized a bag that was packed to the seams. I was advised not to use regular luggage, as space was very limited on the train, and I wouldn't really have anywhere to store it. A a bag would easily be rolled up and would actually serve as a laundry bag later for my trips to the laundromat. Walking through the airport with my mom, I felt like I was walking towards freedom. My relationship with my mother wasn't perfect.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:12:01

I knew she loved me and supported me, but I rarely felt understood by her. She was a no nonsense type and liked to be organized and have a plan, and I was a dreamer type who pushed her strict boundaries to the limits and flew by the seat of my pants more often than not. The funny thing is, even though we were so different, she often encouraged me to look at life as an adventure when things got scary and the future was uncertain. Nevertheless, like many teen girls and moms, we rarely saw eye to eye. When she was annoyed by something I said or did, she would often say, You're just like your father, with an insulting tone. And with all the pain he had caused our family, from his abuse while I was growing up, to their divorce, and then going to prison, the last thing I wanted was to be like my father. And yet, she was my mom, and I loved her. The little girl in me wanted so desperately to feel loved, accepted, and adored by her, while the young woman who was budding from within was ready to get as far away as possible, so that I could begin living my own life the way I wanted to.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:13:16

As my plane began to board, my mom handed me a card and gave me a quick hug and said, okay. Have fun, and call me when you can. I love you. And just like that, I boarded the airplane and quickly found my seat to get ready for takeoff. I was so anxious, I pulled out my journal and once again began processing what I was feeling. Well, here I am is my seat, ready to take off on a plane. I can't believe how hard all of this really is. I just read the card my mom gave me, and I cried.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:13:51

I haven't read the one Lisa gave me yet. I know I'll cry then too. I have a window seat. There's a girl about 13 years old next to me. She probably thinks I'm weird because I'm crying. Well, I guess this is it. I'm finally off to follow my dreams, and I'm on my own from here on out. I'm scared, but I know I have to keep thinking positive, and I know I can do it.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:14:19

You know, it was really weird when we were leaving the house this morning. We were driving down the roads that I'd be on every single day. And for some reason, they all felt a little different. I knew I wouldn't be on them for a really long time, and it was really a strange feeling. I think I'm feeling a little bit better now. I wanna put on makeup, but I have a feeling it's going to come right back off again. I guess this flight is overloaded. All the attendants seem to be a little stressed out, and they announced before we got on the plane that it might be overloaded.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:14:51

I guess everyone is flying back home from Thanksgiving weekend. Well, apparently, the flight is late to take off now. It's 7:11 am, and we're supposed to depart at 7:0:5 am. I'm sitting right next to the station where they fixed the food, and I guess they're all wigging out over some lady, a passenger. And one said, Oh, don't worry about it. Sounds like any other job. You've got the nice people, and you've got your jerks. They're supposed to serve us breakfast on the flight, and on the next one, we get lunch.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:15:23

There was this really cute guy earlier. I think he may have worked on the airplane. Who knows? Well, here goes the plane. We're now going to start taxiing down the runway. Here I go off on my big adventure. This was my first experience flying on a big jet across the country. Growing up in San Diego, the furthest I'd ever traveled by car was Lake Mead in Nevada, Northern California, and just across the southern border to Tijuana, Rosarito, and Mazatlan, Mexico. Before my parents divorced, my father learned how to fly his own Cessna, a small airplane, and we had taken small trips, but those paled in comparison to flying on a major airline.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:16:07

Yet here I was, getting on a jet plane all by myself, flying from the southwest corner of the country to the southeast corner of the country to meet a stranger who would take me to the winter quarters where we would design and rehearse the show for the upcoming season in Sarasota, Florida. I'm on a different plane now. I had a layover in Dallas Fort Worth, a, oh my lord, that was a zoo. It took me half an hour just to walk the terminal. I couldn't believe it. My arms were ready to fall off. I had to walk from gate 12 to gate 39, and my bags were so full of stuff that I had to stop several times. I felt pretty stupid.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:16:50

I also dropped my ticket on that walkride thing. I felt pretty stupid then. I just hope that when we get to A, that I'm able to find this dude that's supposed to pick me up. I have a pretty good feeling I'll feel stupid then too. About another hour, and we're there. Little did I know that this was just the beginning of what would prove to be the ultimate training ground for getting outside my comfort zone. Let's dig a little deeper now into the dreamer's dilemma of what can happen when you decide to take the leap to pursue your dreams. One thing is for certain, as you just heard, and as I also discussed in episode 1, going after a dream means that you will have to step outside your comfort zone.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:17:36

But that's not all. Oftentimes, it also requires a fundamental shift in identity. The difference between just dreaming about doing something and actually doing it is that you have to take action. And when you take action, it may require you to be someone you've never had to be before, someone who is more disciplined or responsible, or someone who is choosing to live a different lifestyle than before because remaining the same will only hold you back and cause you to repeat the very life you're trying to change. It may result in having to leave a part of yourself behind, and it may result in having to leave a part of yourself behind as you venture forward on a new path towards your future. This can also lead to a sense of loss and uncertainty, which can stir up some sadness. At times, stepping into a new identity may also have you experiencing some unexpected grief as you let go of who you once were. Whether you're physically leaving behind an old life like I did when I left for the Circus, or you find yourself having to let go of relationships that no longer feel aligned with who you are, it can be hard to process at times, and it can evoke a fear of the unknown.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:18:46

Because of this, stepping into the unknown isn't something that everyone is willing to do. It can trigger doubts and anxieties about your capability, your worthiness, and whether or not you're really doing the right thing. And, honestly, it can even cause you to want to say forget it and turn back to safety where it can all feel so much more comfortable. And yet, doing that doesn't feel right either because that dream that you want to pursue will continue to nag at you from deep within, calling out like a secret siren in a night to come forth. Just like in the Disney movie, a 2, where Elsa, the snow queen, is being called to enter into the unknown of the enchanted forest in order to save her kingdom, That voice just kept calling out to her until she answered it. It's as if you won't be able to stay where you are, but you'll also be afraid to move forward. You'll find yourself in what I call the void, feeling stuck in between fear and courage. It requires strength, courage, and vulnerability to become someone new or do something you've never done before, but the rewards of doing so are so worth it.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:19:52

It's important to recognize this so that you don't sabotage yourself at the first sign of discomfort. Grounding yourself in your vision can help. As you connect to that part of you that sees more, you then have to consciously choose courage over comfort while embracing growth with a mindset that empowers you rather than hinders you or hold you back. Speaking of courageous choices, let's talk about what this actually looks like on a practical level. A of my favorite people you'll hear me quote a lot on this podcast is Brene Brown. Her work as a research professor, author, and speaker has had a profound effect on my personal growth journey when she entered into the mainstream spotlight right around my first divorce in 2010. She talks a lot about shame, vulnerability, and courage. And one of my all time favorite quotes of hers is, you can have courage or comfort, but you can't have both.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:20:45

Through her research, Brene determined that in order to live a wholehearted life, you must be willing to get uncomfortable and experience vulnerability. And let's face it. Going after your dreams can cause you to feel extremely a. Whether that's speaking up at a networking event to introduce yourself, going on a first date after a divorce, or simply stepping into new adventures, like starting a business, writing a book, or in my case, joining the Circus, or starting this podcast. If it's not something you normally do, it's safe to say that it's going to take some courage to get uncomfortable on some level because there's risk involved, risk of rejection, failure, or adversity. One way to practice courage is to look at the way you're talking to yourself. What is your inner dialogue sounding like? Are you being harsh with yourself? Is your inner chatter causing you self doubt, or are you encouraging yourself through the words you tell yourself, such as I can do it? While the inner dialogue can feel so naturally negative at times, it's important to recognize we have the power to override the negative thinking with a choice to change the voice. And notice I mentioned is can feel so natural to think negatively.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:22:04

That's because sometimes our brains just operate in this way as a matter of biology. This is what is known as cognitive distortions in the world of psychology and often referred to as ANTS, which is an acronym for automatic negative thoughts. Meaning, they can happen automatically, and they can quickly invade your thought processes, causing doubt, fear, and anxiety when you're stretching outside your comfort zone. So don't make yourself wrong if you suddenly feel self doubt. Again, knowing this and being aware of it, you can then take a moment to pause and choose courage over comfort instead of retreating to the perceived safety where you aren't living your life authentically or being brave for the sake of pursuing your dreams. Stepping into a new identity of who you are as someone who is actualizing their dream also requires a level of authenticity where you walk your talk. I'm in this right now, as a matter of fact, as I step into this new space as a podcaster and doing something I've never done before, not to mention sharing aspects of my personal life and my story that I've never shared publicly before. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that it's easy.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:23:20

It's not, especially for someone like me who has a background in performing. Because when you're performing, you're just there to entertain the audience. But this, this is about being authentic, being real, and showing up just as I am. I'm learning so much about myself through this process as I step into walking my talk and honoring my value of authenticity. As Brene has found in her research, it's one thing to profess your values, but to really step in the process of living them out, that takes true courage. And it's uncomfortable because my inner mean girl, the perfectionist, is doing everything she can to try and hold me back and keep me in the safe zone via those ants I mentioned earlier. I know. It sounds weird.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:24:06

Right? Like, how does thinking negative thoughts keep us safe? Because when we allow them to take hold and carry more weight than the thoughts that empower us, they then keep us in a place where we are not growing and stretching outside of our comfort zone. In other words, they keep us safe in our comfort. It can be such a mind bender because, ultimately, as I mentioned earlier, it's not comfortable to feel like you have this dream that you wanna pursue or a change that you wanna make happen, but you don't. It can actually be really uncomfortable to stay comfortable. So, basically, it's a matter of picking your discomfort. For me, I'd rather choose the discomfort that comes from growing and chasing my dreams. So I just keep reminding myself of why I started this podcast in the a place. I'm owning my story, and in doing so, I wanna help you own yours as well.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:25:01

So I continue to step out onto the tight rope of risk and practice loving myself while owning my story. And as Brene says, owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. This is what it means to be on the journey to mastery. Stepping into self mastery will mean embracing uncertainty as you navigate the unknown with courage and resilience, just as I did when I embarked on my journey to join the circus. It's about letting go and being open to new experiences and opportunities even when it seems daunting or a, and it's a matter of cultivating belief in yourself and your ability to follow through on the very thing you set out to do, even when fear, anxiety, self doubt, or criticism enter the picture. Essentially, it's about cultivating a growth mindset, and one way to do this is through practicing curiosity. When challenges arise, remain curious as to what is available to you with an attention that presents itself, and this can help you grow. Are you open to stretching into a better you? And if not, check your focal point.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:26:13

In other words, what are you focusing on? Are you resisting change or the discomfort of stepping into your new identity? Resistance to what is will just create more tension. When you view the challenges ahead of you as an opportunity for growth, you then open yourself up to the experiences of new growth as you pursue your dreams and seek to find balance within the chaos of life. I've often said that the difference between fear and excitement is breath. Sometimes taking a moment to pause between the space of fear and courage, taking a few deep breaths allows you the conscious awareness to make a choice on how you want to show up for Self, and doing so can cause you to feel empowered rather than discouraged. Choosing to grow through what you go through is just one way to step into self mastery. I believe we are all here to grow as human beings. And whether you're pursuing your dreams or juggling life's responsibilities and feeling overwhelmed by your current circumstances, you have before you the opportunity to own your power and use it for your own growth. It's important to ground yourself in your why of going after your dream and reminding yourself of your deepest values while checking is with Self yourself to see if you're actually living in accordance to those values.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:27:36

And if you're not, that's your opportunity to realign and choose courage over the comfort of remaining the same, and make a decision to accept getting uncomfortable for the sake of growth. And then pay attention to the story you're telling yourself along the way. Self awareness plays a big role here as you begin to notice how you're feeling, what you're thinking, and what you're making it all mean. This provides you with new ways to improve yourself as you cultivate a growth mindset and build resilience along the way too as you adapt to your new identity. How can you put this into practice by letting go of fear this week a instead choose to cultivate courage in your own life. We may not always know what is ahead of us as we venture forth towards our dreams or as we navigate the circus of Life, But one thing is for certain, we always have the opportunity to embrace the changes with curiosity and anticipation of growth no matter what comes our way. Thank you for joining me on this episode of Life is a Circus, So, let's step into self mastery. I hope you found inspiration and valuable insights to carry with you on your journey.

Stacy Yardley [: 00:28:49

If you enjoyed today's episode, please share it with a friend and subscribe or follow wherever you're listening. Remember, in the circus of life, the greatest show is the one you create for yourself. Until next time, keep embracing your dreams and stepping into self mastery. Take care a I'll see you next Tuesday.